I am trying out my blog on wordpress to see if I can reach more people. Please see my page at http://lavenderskyedarknessunveiled.wordpress.com/
XOXO,
Lavender
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Domestic Violence on a Global Scale: The Middle East
Domestic violence poisons all corners of the world reaching every culture and religion. Its prevalence poisons every society. Despite its prevalence, though, it is still not recognized as a crime and is still covered up by those who see it as a personal issue not to be discussed outside of the home. This is as true in Christian homes as it is in Hindu and Muslim homes. Domestic violence is allowed to prevail as long as it is hidden away in the closet under lock and key. Denial and silence are its best friends as they allow this dark secret to hide from the light of awareness. What's more is the people trying to raise awareness especially in specific cultures are criticized and attempts to silence can border on harassment. From here in the United States to India, Muslim countries and the Republic of Congo, victims and advocates can suffer tremendous abuse and even murder for standing up and speaking out, particularly in places like the Congo. Below I discuss the women of the Middle East. I was going to discuss several countries like India and the Congo but this has proven to be a bigger project than I thought so I've decided to cover one at a time.
Inside Islam and the Middle East
Arabic countries such as Afghanistan, Tunisia, Egypt, and Saudi Arabia are well known to be countries are ruled by the laws of Islam and Muslim leaders. They are also known for the widespread problem of wife beatings and women's subservience and subjugation to men. Women in these countries have no rights as they are seen as property of men. A single woman is not allowed in public without an immediate male family member and married women who are seen in public in the accompaniment of a man not her husband or immediate family is punished through violent means. She doesn't even have rights to her own children. They are considered her husband's but not hers. The movie, "Not Without My Daughter," based on a true story, tells the story of an American woman who followed her Iranian born husband over to visit his family and is forced by her husband and his family to stay. When she enlists the help of another American woman trapped in the same situation, she and the woman are both beaten by their husbands, and she is forbidden from speaking with anyone again. His family is even assisting him in his imprisonment of his wife. She learns that even if she was able to leave, Iranian law forbid her to leave w/her daughter and so the attempt to escape with her daughter begins. She is successful in escaping w/her daughter but the movie depicts the entrapment and violence women are forced to suffer in these countries. If you watch the video below it proves the existence of these type laws. Two Afghan women are publicly flogged for running away from their husbands (who they were forced to marry).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=fvwp&v=E3Za1GcHwKI&NR=1
According to http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12920614 domestic violence in these countries and in the Muslim community is largely ignored and those who do try to fight back, escape, or speak out are severely punished.
In Arab and Islamic countries, domestic violence is not yet considered a major concern despite its increasing frequency and serious consequences. Surveys in Egypt, Palestine, Israel and Tunisia show that at least one out of three women is beaten by her husband. The indifference to this type of violence stems from attitudes that domestic violence is a private matter and, usually, a justifiable response to misbehaviour on the part of the wife. Selective excerpts from the Koran are used to prove that men who beat their wives are following God's commandments. These religious justifications, plus the importance of preserving the honour of the family, lead abusers, victims, police and health care professionals to join in a conspiracy of silence rather than disclosing these offences. However, a fair reading of the Koran shows that wife abuse, like genital mutilation and "honour killings" are a result of culture rather than religion.
One thing to remember when looking at this culture of violence, however, is that (as mentioned above) the Quaran does NOT in any way condone wife beating. It is the Arabic culture not Islam that condones violence. In fact, as the video below proves, Allah condemns wife beatings (the Dr in the video does admit wife beatings occur as a way of "reforming wives").
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfPSN_92v2w
So, my question is if the Quran is against wife beating why is this so prevalent in Muslim countries and why are the radical Muslims like the Taliban the ones who practice this the most? The only thing I can think of is they're passages of the Quran out of context and interpreting them in their own way. Allah does say as a last resort you may hit your wife but means gently as the Dr in the above video says. Allah, apparently, does not mean beatings. Then again, looking throughout history, religious books have been including the Bible even have been used to justify certain heinous activities. For example, the horrors and violence of the Spanish Inquisition, the Witch Hunts of Europe and Salem, and the Klu Klux Klan (KKK) were all done in the name of God and the Bible. One can make a case for anything by taking things out of context.
Another answer to that question can be found by looking into the Muslim belief that women have no rights as also mentioned in the video. Take this belief and the new Islamic Law made up by the Taliban and we have a recipe for violence against women. The Taliban's insanely strict laws force women to wear Burqas and forbid women over the age of 10 from attending school. According to other Muslims, the Taliban have also taken Islamic Law and made it into something completely different, not based on the Quran at all. http://www.beliefnet.com/Faiths/Islam/2001/05/The-Talibans-Islam.aspx gives more information on this new interpretation of the Taliban.
For more info and statistics on Muslims and domestic violence see:
http://www.apiidv.org/violence/muslimwomen.php
Also from the same website, a poem:
Story of the Unknown Woman
Huma B. Dar
My name is Farah.
I am the one pierced by a dozen bullets
on my mother’s orders
in my lawyer’s office
My sin: I had dared to ask for a divorce.1
My name is Gauhar.
I am the one almost run over
by a truck or is it okay to blame the truck driver?
My crime: my “Otherness” exposed in the land of the free
wearing a shalwar-qameez
for every one to see.2
My name is Sultani.
I am the one who lost count after the rapist number three
or was it number thirty?
Faizan, my months old baby, kept on crying
for hunger
at the sight of my breast cut off
My crime: I am a Muslim
being cleansed,
ethnically.3
My name is Simurgh.
I am the one whose stomach was kicked
child abused and kidnapped by a husband
while his sisters cheered him on
My sin: possession of a voice.
Are voices contraband?
My name is Kausar Bano.
I am the one – nine months pregnant
raped, belly cut open, foetus on trident
both burnt to ashes
My sin: being a Muslim in Gujarat.4
My name is Fatimah.
I am the one whose name and its shadows
Melted and evaporated into oblivion
in the alchemy of fire on nine-eleven
when Hawwa’s strong bones
at the foundation of it all
cried out to be excavated
as once she herself had
through the darkness of the Middle Passage
Our crime: lithe bodies
deemed capable of labor
enslaved and indentured, undocumented, uncounted
marked unmournable.5
1
This case happened, albeit to a victim with another name, in the renowned
Pakistani lawyer, Hina Jilani’s office, in Lahore, Pakistan.
2
From an actual hate-crime in Texas, post 9/11. Name changed.
3
From “The Survivors Speak” – a report of the Gujarat pogrom by the Citizen’s
Initiative, April 2002.
4
Ibid.
My name is Sherbat Gula.
I am the one whose three babies didn’t make it
to age five
in the land of the land-mines
while my burqah was the talk of the town
and my eyes green were labeled “ferocious”
My crime: born close to warm waters
and black gold
I am told.
6
My name is Unknown
I am the one whose burnt face, cut at the nape,
droned, white phosphoresced, or raped
couldn’t tell my charred story
whose name, face or story didn’t make the headlines
in the conspiracy of silence
My crime: they say we are “terrorists”
or too close to some, and thus
“Collaterally” damaged!
I am Unknown, I am Sherbat Gula,
I am Kausar Bano, I am Hawwa and Fatimah,
I am Simurgh, I am Sultani, I am Gauhar, I am Farah.
I am your mother, your aunt, your sister,
I am your neighbor, your friend, your lover,
I am you
Stand with me as I fight for justice
Hold me Embrace me
Reclaim me Honor me
Love me Kiss me
for I am you.
Asian & Pacific Islander Institute on Domestic Violence
450 Sutter Street, Suite 600
San Francisco, CA 94108
First published with the poet’s permission, 2011.
5
A homage to the undocumented people killed on 9/11 and to the unmarked slave
graveyard found beneath the erstwhile Twin Towers.
6
The woman whose face made it twice to the cover of National Geographic,
surrounded by sensational journalism.
Things to think about and remember.
XOXO,
Lavender
Inside Islam and the Middle East
Arabic countries such as Afghanistan, Tunisia, Egypt, and Saudi Arabia are well known to be countries are ruled by the laws of Islam and Muslim leaders. They are also known for the widespread problem of wife beatings and women's subservience and subjugation to men. Women in these countries have no rights as they are seen as property of men. A single woman is not allowed in public without an immediate male family member and married women who are seen in public in the accompaniment of a man not her husband or immediate family is punished through violent means. She doesn't even have rights to her own children. They are considered her husband's but not hers. The movie, "Not Without My Daughter," based on a true story, tells the story of an American woman who followed her Iranian born husband over to visit his family and is forced by her husband and his family to stay. When she enlists the help of another American woman trapped in the same situation, she and the woman are both beaten by their husbands, and she is forbidden from speaking with anyone again. His family is even assisting him in his imprisonment of his wife. She learns that even if she was able to leave, Iranian law forbid her to leave w/her daughter and so the attempt to escape with her daughter begins. She is successful in escaping w/her daughter but the movie depicts the entrapment and violence women are forced to suffer in these countries. If you watch the video below it proves the existence of these type laws. Two Afghan women are publicly flogged for running away from their husbands (who they were forced to marry).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=fvwp&v=E3Za1GcHwKI&NR=1
According to http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12920614 domestic violence in these countries and in the Muslim community is largely ignored and those who do try to fight back, escape, or speak out are severely punished.
In Arab and Islamic countries, domestic violence is not yet considered a major concern despite its increasing frequency and serious consequences. Surveys in Egypt, Palestine, Israel and Tunisia show that at least one out of three women is beaten by her husband. The indifference to this type of violence stems from attitudes that domestic violence is a private matter and, usually, a justifiable response to misbehaviour on the part of the wife. Selective excerpts from the Koran are used to prove that men who beat their wives are following God's commandments. These religious justifications, plus the importance of preserving the honour of the family, lead abusers, victims, police and health care professionals to join in a conspiracy of silence rather than disclosing these offences. However, a fair reading of the Koran shows that wife abuse, like genital mutilation and "honour killings" are a result of culture rather than religion.
One thing to remember when looking at this culture of violence, however, is that (as mentioned above) the Quaran does NOT in any way condone wife beating. It is the Arabic culture not Islam that condones violence. In fact, as the video below proves, Allah condemns wife beatings (the Dr in the video does admit wife beatings occur as a way of "reforming wives").
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfPSN_92v2w
So, my question is if the Quran is against wife beating why is this so prevalent in Muslim countries and why are the radical Muslims like the Taliban the ones who practice this the most? The only thing I can think of is they're passages of the Quran out of context and interpreting them in their own way. Allah does say as a last resort you may hit your wife but means gently as the Dr in the above video says. Allah, apparently, does not mean beatings. Then again, looking throughout history, religious books have been including the Bible even have been used to justify certain heinous activities. For example, the horrors and violence of the Spanish Inquisition, the Witch Hunts of Europe and Salem, and the Klu Klux Klan (KKK) were all done in the name of God and the Bible. One can make a case for anything by taking things out of context.
Another answer to that question can be found by looking into the Muslim belief that women have no rights as also mentioned in the video. Take this belief and the new Islamic Law made up by the Taliban and we have a recipe for violence against women. The Taliban's insanely strict laws force women to wear Burqas and forbid women over the age of 10 from attending school. According to other Muslims, the Taliban have also taken Islamic Law and made it into something completely different, not based on the Quran at all. http://www.beliefnet.com/Faiths/Islam/2001/05/The-Talibans-Islam.aspx gives more information on this new interpretation of the Taliban.
For more info and statistics on Muslims and domestic violence see:
http://www.apiidv.org/violence/muslimwomen.php
Also from the same website, a poem:
Story of the Unknown Woman
Huma B. Dar
My name is Farah.
I am the one pierced by a dozen bullets
on my mother’s orders
in my lawyer’s office
My sin: I had dared to ask for a divorce.1
My name is Gauhar.
I am the one almost run over
by a truck or is it okay to blame the truck driver?
My crime: my “Otherness” exposed in the land of the free
wearing a shalwar-qameez
for every one to see.2
My name is Sultani.
I am the one who lost count after the rapist number three
or was it number thirty?
Faizan, my months old baby, kept on crying
for hunger
at the sight of my breast cut off
My crime: I am a Muslim
being cleansed,
ethnically.3
My name is Simurgh.
I am the one whose stomach was kicked
child abused and kidnapped by a husband
while his sisters cheered him on
My sin: possession of a voice.
Are voices contraband?
My name is Kausar Bano.
I am the one – nine months pregnant
raped, belly cut open, foetus on trident
both burnt to ashes
My sin: being a Muslim in Gujarat.4
My name is Fatimah.
I am the one whose name and its shadows
Melted and evaporated into oblivion
in the alchemy of fire on nine-eleven
when Hawwa’s strong bones
at the foundation of it all
cried out to be excavated
as once she herself had
through the darkness of the Middle Passage
Our crime: lithe bodies
deemed capable of labor
enslaved and indentured, undocumented, uncounted
marked unmournable.5
1
This case happened, albeit to a victim with another name, in the renowned
Pakistani lawyer, Hina Jilani’s office, in Lahore, Pakistan.
2
From an actual hate-crime in Texas, post 9/11. Name changed.
3
From “The Survivors Speak” – a report of the Gujarat pogrom by the Citizen’s
Initiative, April 2002.
4
Ibid.
My name is Sherbat Gula.
I am the one whose three babies didn’t make it
to age five
in the land of the land-mines
while my burqah was the talk of the town
and my eyes green were labeled “ferocious”
My crime: born close to warm waters
and black gold
I am told.
6
My name is Unknown
I am the one whose burnt face, cut at the nape,
droned, white phosphoresced, or raped
couldn’t tell my charred story
whose name, face or story didn’t make the headlines
in the conspiracy of silence
My crime: they say we are “terrorists”
or too close to some, and thus
“Collaterally” damaged!
I am Unknown, I am Sherbat Gula,
I am Kausar Bano, I am Hawwa and Fatimah,
I am Simurgh, I am Sultani, I am Gauhar, I am Farah.
I am your mother, your aunt, your sister,
I am your neighbor, your friend, your lover,
I am you
Stand with me as I fight for justice
Hold me Embrace me
Reclaim me Honor me
Love me Kiss me
for I am you.
Asian & Pacific Islander Institute on Domestic Violence
450 Sutter Street, Suite 600
San Francisco, CA 94108
First published with the poet’s permission, 2011.
5
A homage to the undocumented people killed on 9/11 and to the unmarked slave
graveyard found beneath the erstwhile Twin Towers.
6
The woman whose face made it twice to the cover of National Geographic,
surrounded by sensational journalism.
Things to think about and remember.
XOXO,
Lavender
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Todd Akin "Legitimate Rape"
Everyone can remember about a week ago Todd Akin, the US Representative from MO made a statement that "legitimate rape" does not cause pregnancy b/c the woman's body has a way of shutting down that process. I feel as if I should say something. I've been holding my thoughts in too long and think people, especially women, especially rape victims, should know that his statement is completely ludicrous and hateful in my opinion. If you missed his comments you can find them @ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M09iWwKiDsA.
The fact is women do get pregnant from being raped, and to say otherwise shows a complete lack of both education and empathy. Doctors he spoke with told him that yes, in fact, rape victims can become pregnant, but its rare. I don't know how he came to the conclusion that women's bodies are biologically incapable of allowing the victim to become pregnant or as he said " “the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” Really? Last I checked my ovaries are going to release an egg, and if said egg is fertilized by a sperm it will implant itself into the uterine wall unless I take the "morning after pill" or am on birth control. It's not like the sperm are gonna be like "We're rapist's sperm." How is our egg supposed to know the difference between wanted and unwanted sperm? I mean, really, get a clue. And as for the victims who do end up pregnant? Did their bodies just have a faulty warning system, or maybe, subconsciously, they really wanted it? I mean, if they're dressed a certain way, or flirting, or, God forbid, making out with the guy they wanted it right? The whole no means yes, she was asking for it, she owes me because I took her out to dinner, or any of the number of victim blaming statements aren't victim blaming, right? WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! Rape is rape because it is unwanted sexual contact not because the woman just doesn't know she wants it!!!!! I'm a woman, and I know when I want sex and when I don't. It's not a gray area at all.
RAINN (http://www.rainn.org/get-information/types-of-sexual-assault/was-it-rape) defines Rape and sexual assault as:
The fact is women do get pregnant from being raped, and to say otherwise shows a complete lack of both education and empathy. Doctors he spoke with told him that yes, in fact, rape victims can become pregnant, but its rare. I don't know how he came to the conclusion that women's bodies are biologically incapable of allowing the victim to become pregnant or as he said " “the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” Really? Last I checked my ovaries are going to release an egg, and if said egg is fertilized by a sperm it will implant itself into the uterine wall unless I take the "morning after pill" or am on birth control. It's not like the sperm are gonna be like "We're rapist's sperm." How is our egg supposed to know the difference between wanted and unwanted sperm? I mean, really, get a clue. And as for the victims who do end up pregnant? Did their bodies just have a faulty warning system, or maybe, subconsciously, they really wanted it? I mean, if they're dressed a certain way, or flirting, or, God forbid, making out with the guy they wanted it right? The whole no means yes, she was asking for it, she owes me because I took her out to dinner, or any of the number of victim blaming statements aren't victim blaming, right? WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! Rape is rape because it is unwanted sexual contact not because the woman just doesn't know she wants it!!!!! I'm a woman, and I know when I want sex and when I don't. It's not a gray area at all.
RAINN (http://www.rainn.org/get-information/types-of-sexual-assault/was-it-rape) defines Rape and sexual assault as:
Rape is forced sexual intercourse, including vaginal, anal, or oral penetration. Penetration may be by a body part or an object.
- Rape victims may be forced through threats or physical means. In about 8 out of 10 rapes, no weapon is used other than physical force. Anyone may be a victim of rape: women, men or children, straight or gay.
Sexual assault is unwanted sexual contact that stops short of rape or attempted rape. This includes sexual touching and fondling. (But, be aware: Some states use this term interchangeably with rape.
Rape also occurs if the victim is asleep or unconscious as they are unable to give consent in these cases. So if a woman gets drunk and blacks out, that is not in any way permission to have sex with her.
The point? A rape victim is not called a rape victim if she wanted to have sex. Rape isn't even about sex. It's about control. If it was about sex it would never happen, and, if it did, it would only happen to beautiful women. The fact is it happens to all women and some men regardless of race, level of attractiveness, or what the victim is wearing. The elderly, disabled, and children can all be victims, too. During a rape and even afterwards (via nightmares, flashbacks, and PTSD) the perpetrator has complete and total control of his victim. Some victims don't even physically resist either because they're scared or in shock. Coercion and threatening are also forms of rape. As stated previously, if a woman doesn't refuse because she is scared it's still rape. This happens a lot in abusive relationships. The woman doesn't want to have sex but is afraid to say no because of the potential consequences. For example, my ex-fiance forced me into having sexual relations (not intercourse but other sexual acts) by taking one of his swords and stabbing the bed I was lying on when I said I wanted to watch a movie instead of doing anything with him. That would be considered sexual assault. I felt like I had to because I was scared he'd do something to me if I refused again. And yes I still struggle with admitting it was sexual assault. Just like many other women in abusive relationships struggle with the knowledge that their boyfriend/husband/fiance is abusive. I've never been raped so I can't relate on that scale, but I can have empathy for the victims, especially those who end up pregnant from their horrific experience. I do not condone abortion but REFUSE to judge rape or incest victims or women who have to choose b/w their own life and that of their child's if they should choose to have an abortion. I have a very good friend who had an abortion when she got pregnant due to a rape, and I still love and respect her. It does not change my opinion of her. I've never been there, therefore can't judge or even say with any kind of certainty I wouldn't do the same thing. And to those women who have kept and raised a baby they got pregnant with by a rape, I have tons and tons of respect for you. It takes an incredible person to be able to do that.
As for statistics regarding the frequency of pregnancies resulting from rape a published study states :
The national rape-related pregnancy rate is 5.0% per rape among victims of reproductive age (aged 12 to 45); among adult women an estimated 32,101 pregnancies result from rape each year.
Rape-related pregnancy occurs with significant frequency. It is a cause of many unwanted pregnancies and is closely linked with family and domestic violence.
Things to think about and remember. Sending love and hugs to all rape victims.
XOXO,
Lavender
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Domestic Violence & The Church: Part 3
In part one of this series I mentioned my views on domestic violence, divorce, and the Bible. I will reiterate I believe that victims of abuse by their husbands and/or wives have every right to seek a divorce and unattach themselves from their abuser for safety and sanity reasons. I believe God allows for divorce in such cases as previously mentioned. God loves us and would not want us to suffer our entire lives at the hand of an abuser. He has clear instructions as to how husbands should treat their wives and abusing her in any way, whether it be physically, sexually, psychologically or verbally, is NOT part of those instructions. And with the numbers such as they are w/1 in 3 women who are murdered are murdered by husbands and/or boyfriends its simply not safe to stay. Yes, Jesus tells us we will suffer in His name but I don't think he meant through domestic violence. I believe He meant we will suffer for following Him not for, say, talking to another man or not having dinner perfect. God does not accept abuse anywhere in the Bible except for martyrs who suffered for their faith.
All this being said, there are those who believe differently than me as well as those who hold similar beliefs to mine. There are two huge churches at each end of the spectrum. Rick Warren and his beloved Saddleback Church is at the opposing end while the United Methodist Church as an organization is at my end. Following is a list of Do's and Don'ts and examples of each as portrayed and acted upon by these two churches.
DO:
Offer assistance to victims. UMC does this in several ways, including actually running at least one DV shelter - The Genesis Womens Shelter in Texas is connected directly to the Highland Park United Methodist Church http://www.hpumc.org/pages/09_Genesis_Womens_Shelter
Bruce G. Taylor, Ph.D.; Christopher D. Maxwell,
Ph.D.
Victim-based accounts of DV recidivism results:
In contrast to our finding suggesting the treatment program is reducing controlling
behavior, the treatment variable in the victim logistic, negative binomial and Cox regression
models were all non-significant. That is, there was no difference between the treatment and
control group in 6-month prevalence, frequency, and time-to-failure for victim reported acts of
controlling behavior by the perpetrator. Also, there was no difference between the treatment and
control group in 6-month prevalence, frequency, and time-to-failure of victim self-reported acts
of any DV. Finally, there was no difference between the treatment and control group in 6-month
prevalence, frequency, and time-to-failure for victim self-reported acts of physical abuse.
You can find the study at https://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/nij/grants/228275.pdf
A note: most studies including this one are based on offenders that have been arrested. Several studies also base their results off whether or not the offender gets arrested a 2nd time. There is a huge flaw in that type of study as victims suffer severely at the hands of their abusers once the abuser is out of prison. They're less likely to call the police again out of fear of what will happen if they do. Why else would a majority of victims try to withdraw charges against their abusers?
DON'T:
Follow Rick Warren's and Saddleback's counseling pastor Tom Holladay's example by telling the woman she and her husband need to temporarily separate and seek marriage counseling then get back together. And that marriage counseling will help them reconcile their differences. No, it doesn't. Once again, the abuser will play the part of the caring husband and is able to fool the counselor and/or pastor. Just b/c an abuser says he's changed doesn't mean he has. They are very skilled at lying. And unfortunately, pastors have a tendency to blame the wife for not submitting enough. One friend of mine went to a marriage counseling session with her husband and when she told her pastor how her husband was psychologically abusive and made her miserable, she was told it was her job to make her husband happy no matter how she felt and to submit more. Needless to say, she walked out. She also later finally divorced her husband and remarried an absolutely wonderful man who makes her happier than she's ever been. Then again going back to Tom Holladay's thoughts, abuse is as he sees it is only physical and the abuser has to have a habit of beating up the victim so psychological, sexual, and verbal abuse don't count. Neither, apparently, does hitting, pulling hair or the like as long as the victim isn't beaten up. Yeah, this guy really has a lot of research to do in this arena. Obviously. Below are some of his beliefs regarding abuse and divorce:
Definition of abuse and how its not a reason for divorce:
His views on divorce and the "hurt" it causes:
Read more at http://www.christianpost.com/news/saddleback-pastor-domestic-abuse-not-reason-for-divorce-36349/#GPJqOkPb8kQPg43F.99
I don't see how he can ignore the long-term pain, nightmares, and PTSD domestic violence victims suffer. Divorce, for many of them, offers freedom and a chance to breathe and not be scared all the time. I wish I could live in his own little world where everything is okay and abuse doesn't cause lasting psychological scars. I still have psychological scars from 25 yrs ago when my dad first physically attacked my mother. And scars from when he tried to strangle me when I was a teenager and scars from my ex-fiance who forced his fingers inside me and swerved in traffic b/c he was mad and stabbed one of his swords repeatedly into the bed I was lying on simply b/c I didn't want to do certain sexual acts with him. The time my brother in law bit me. From reading my twin sister's story about my brother in law forcing anal sex on her and pulling her by the hair down some stairs to put her head in the furnace til something stopped him, I can gather she has scars, too. And as a role model and friend (who also happens to be a minister's wife so not all Christians or even pastors are oblivious or in denial) told me, my sister needed to file for divorce before she ended up back together w/him and guess what? She didn't want to file, and she's back with him :(
The United Methodist Church stands with victims and promotes domestic violence awareness in the faith community. All you have to do is visit their website to see that they refuse to put up w/domestic violence and, while expressing that the abuser is in need of God, do not condone domestic violence. They also recognize the need for safety and that domestic violence is not only physical as one can read in an article by a UMC pastor at the following link http://www.kintera.org/site/apps/nlnet/content3.aspx?c=fsJNK0PKJrH&b=969371&ct=3847997¬oc=1
So who does the Church need to follow when it comes to looking for examples of the right way to handle domestic violence. I would say definitely follow the United Methodist Church's example and steer clear of Rick Warren and Saddleback.
XOXO,
Lavender
Important Side Note: You will not find as I haven't found anything where Rick Warren says Tom Holladay's statements are not true. Holladay continues to be the counseling pastor at Saddleback, which in my eyes, says all it needs to about Rick Warren's stance. Also, Rick Warren declined to comment back to a tweet I sent him and instead his assistant
@Komanapalli I need Warren's views on domestic violence & marriage 4 my blog. Tom Holladay's views are all over & warren seems 2 support him
@Komanapalli in that he has stayed silent about not getting a divorce b/c of abuse and Holladay believes abuse isnt a reason 4 divorce
All this being said, there are those who believe differently than me as well as those who hold similar beliefs to mine. There are two huge churches at each end of the spectrum. Rick Warren and his beloved Saddleback Church is at the opposing end while the United Methodist Church as an organization is at my end. Following is a list of Do's and Don'ts and examples of each as portrayed and acted upon by these two churches.
DO:
Offer assistance to victims. UMC does this in several ways, including actually running at least one DV shelter - The Genesis Womens Shelter in Texas is connected directly to the Highland Park United Methodist Church http://www.hpumc.org/pages/09_Genesis_Womens_Shelter
Mission
To provide quality safety and shelter to battered women and their children through crisis intervention and short term crisis therapeutics and to reduce the occurrence of violence against women and children in the greater Dallas area. Genesis is also committed to raising the level of community awareness regarding the pervasiveness and effects of domestic violence
DONT
Ostracize, belittle, judge, or make the victim into an outsider by shunning them in church or accusing them of spreading rumors. Also, don't ignore accusations of domestic violence.
I was told to stop spreading rumors by a pastor at my church in high school when I went to him for help getting my sister away from her boyfriend at the time (who is now her husband and an abusive a**.
DO:
Support and encourage the victim. Reach out to her if you hear of abuse rather than saying she needs to come to you. (She won't)
The United Methodist Church does this through various programs. Also, one example of a church who did this is a former Saddleback member's husband's church.
Ironically, the family that stuck by her wasn’t Saddleback, but Bradley’s (her husband) Life Church, which responded swiftly to the abuse by pulling Bradley from leadership and later accompanying Ferber to court http://www.doublex.com/section/news-politics/does-rick-warren%E2%80%99s-church-condone-domestic-violence?page=0%2C3#.TyyonCKjiBI.blogger
DONT
Make the victim feel guilty by blaming her for not being submissive enough or telling her to stop spreading rumors or have more faith. The following excerpt sums this idea up nicely.
Quite often, if we as victims approach and confide in an elder, priest, or member of our Church, hoping for some support and encouragement, we can leave feeling even more guilty and trapped than we did formerly. We may be told that the abuse is due to our own lack of submissiveness, or our own sinfulness, that we would not suffer if our faith was greater, or that we will be rewarded in the next life for the suffering we experience in this one (!?!). I have heard of women who have been told earnestly by their vicar that it would be better for them to die at the hands of their abusive husband than to seek a separation and protection for their children! http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/bible_verses.html
That last sentence is just insane and shows a complete lack of empathy. You would have to be in denial (as some are unfortunately) that abuse happens in Christian homes. Well, it does. Abusers are masters at manipulation and pretending to be someone they're most certainly not. Just ask any abuse victim.
My own father was seen as a nice guy and during his 1st marriage was even a deacon in the church he and his wife went to. All the while, beating his first wife and even putting her in the hospital in ICU after she left him. The church is not immune to domestic violence. I sincerely wish it were but its not. Abusers are wolves in sheep's clothing and are very good at hiding. Look at Mary and Matthew Winkler. Some may remember her as the pastor's wife who murdered her pastor husband. She was physically and verbally abused by him and finally shot him. Some of her church believed her b/c signs of abuse were there but most chose to not believe her b/c he was their pastor and too good of a man. I will repeat: wolves in sheep's clothing. And where better to hide than Church? Its the perfect cover, especially when there are churches out there like Saddleback who refuse to help victims.
DO:
Help, support, and encourage the victim to seek safety and then a divorce. Abusers don't change. For change to occur, someone must be willing to admit they have a problem and take steps to resolve that problem. Abusers won't admit to their abuse or seek to change the way they interact with their victims. Part of it is their insistence on blaming their victims. My dad and others I've known have said things like "If she didn't make me so mad," "if she would just do as she's told I wouldn't have to treat her like that," and my personal favorite, "if you're gonna act like a child I'm gonna treat you like one." Really? I would dare to say the abuser is acting like the child by hurting the person he says he loves b/c he doesn't get his way. My point being abusers don't change b/c they either don't think there's anything wrong w/them, blame their actions on others, or just have no desire to do anything to change. You can see this from the high dropout rates of abusers from domestic violence treatment programs. Consider the following results of a study done by Bruce G. Taylor, Ph.D.; Christopher D. Maxwell,
Ph.D.
The effects of a short-term batterer treatment
program for detained arrestees: A randomized
experiment in the Sacramento County,
California Jail
In contrast to our finding suggesting the treatment program is reducing controlling
behavior, the treatment variable in the victim logistic, negative binomial and Cox regression
models were all non-significant. That is, there was no difference between the treatment and
control group in 6-month prevalence, frequency, and time-to-failure for victim reported acts of
controlling behavior by the perpetrator. Also, there was no difference between the treatment and
control group in 6-month prevalence, frequency, and time-to-failure of victim self-reported acts
of any DV. Finally, there was no difference between the treatment and control group in 6-month
prevalence, frequency, and time-to-failure for victim self-reported acts of physical abuse.
You can find the study at https://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/nij/grants/228275.pdf
A note: most studies including this one are based on offenders that have been arrested. Several studies also base their results off whether or not the offender gets arrested a 2nd time. There is a huge flaw in that type of study as victims suffer severely at the hands of their abusers once the abuser is out of prison. They're less likely to call the police again out of fear of what will happen if they do. Why else would a majority of victims try to withdraw charges against their abusers?
Follow Rick Warren's and Saddleback's counseling pastor Tom Holladay's example by telling the woman she and her husband need to temporarily separate and seek marriage counseling then get back together. And that marriage counseling will help them reconcile their differences. No, it doesn't. Once again, the abuser will play the part of the caring husband and is able to fool the counselor and/or pastor. Just b/c an abuser says he's changed doesn't mean he has. They are very skilled at lying. And unfortunately, pastors have a tendency to blame the wife for not submitting enough. One friend of mine went to a marriage counseling session with her husband and when she told her pastor how her husband was psychologically abusive and made her miserable, she was told it was her job to make her husband happy no matter how she felt and to submit more. Needless to say, she walked out. She also later finally divorced her husband and remarried an absolutely wonderful man who makes her happier than she's ever been. Then again going back to Tom Holladay's thoughts, abuse is as he sees it is only physical and the abuser has to have a habit of beating up the victim so psychological, sexual, and verbal abuse don't count. Neither, apparently, does hitting, pulling hair or the like as long as the victim isn't beaten up. Yeah, this guy really has a lot of research to do in this arena. Obviously. Below are some of his beliefs regarding abuse and divorce:
Definition of abuse and how its not a reason for divorce:
Physical abuse by one’s spouse is not a biblical reason for divorce, says a pastor at Saddleback Church in southern California.
Tom Holladay, teaching pastor at the megachurch founded by best-selling author Rick Warren, says the Bible only gives two cases where divorce is acceptable: abandonment and a physical affair.
“I wish there were a third in Scripture having been involved as a pastor with situations of abuse," Holladay said in an audio clip posted on Saddleback Church’s Web site. "There is something in me that wishes there were a Bible verse that says, 'If they abuse you in this-and-such kind of way, then you have a right to leave them.'"
Physical abuse, he defined, is someone “literally” beating another person up regularly.
"I don't mean they grab you once. I mean they've made a habit of beating you regularly,” he clarified.
His views on divorce and the "hurt" it causes:
It is logical to think that divorce will offer an escape from the pain, the pastor acknowledged, but in reality it doesn’t. The pain of a broken marriage continues for the rest of a person’s life.
After a divorce, there is an “immediate release” from pain and people can think that freedom and joy are coming back into their life. But in the long term, the pain recurs every time the two former spouses deal with the children or communicate. And even events in a new marriage can trigger painful memories.
Holladay recommends instead of the “short-term solution” of a divorce that will involve long-term pain, people should endure “short-term pain” and find “God’s solution” for “long-term gain.”
Read more at http://www.christianpost.com/news/saddleback-pastor-domestic-abuse-not-reason-for-divorce-36349/#GPJqOkPb8kQPg43F.99
I don't see how he can ignore the long-term pain, nightmares, and PTSD domestic violence victims suffer. Divorce, for many of them, offers freedom and a chance to breathe and not be scared all the time. I wish I could live in his own little world where everything is okay and abuse doesn't cause lasting psychological scars. I still have psychological scars from 25 yrs ago when my dad first physically attacked my mother. And scars from when he tried to strangle me when I was a teenager and scars from my ex-fiance who forced his fingers inside me and swerved in traffic b/c he was mad and stabbed one of his swords repeatedly into the bed I was lying on simply b/c I didn't want to do certain sexual acts with him. The time my brother in law bit me. From reading my twin sister's story about my brother in law forcing anal sex on her and pulling her by the hair down some stairs to put her head in the furnace til something stopped him, I can gather she has scars, too. And as a role model and friend (who also happens to be a minister's wife so not all Christians or even pastors are oblivious or in denial) told me, my sister needed to file for divorce before she ended up back together w/him and guess what? She didn't want to file, and she's back with him :(
The United Methodist Church stands with victims and promotes domestic violence awareness in the faith community. All you have to do is visit their website to see that they refuse to put up w/domestic violence and, while expressing that the abuser is in need of God, do not condone domestic violence. They also recognize the need for safety and that domestic violence is not only physical as one can read in an article by a UMC pastor at the following link http://www.kintera.org/site/apps/nlnet/content3.aspx?c=fsJNK0PKJrH&b=969371&ct=3847997¬oc=1
So who does the Church need to follow when it comes to looking for examples of the right way to handle domestic violence. I would say definitely follow the United Methodist Church's example and steer clear of Rick Warren and Saddleback.
XOXO,
Lavender
Important Side Note: You will not find as I haven't found anything where Rick Warren says Tom Holladay's statements are not true. Holladay continues to be the counseling pastor at Saddleback, which in my eyes, says all it needs to about Rick Warren's stance. Also, Rick Warren declined to comment back to a tweet I sent him and instead his assistant
Steve Komanapalli Pastor at Saddleback Church, Special Assistant to Rick Warren, (via twitter) started following me on twitter and asked what I needed. When I tweeted
Komanapalli stopped following me immediately and never answered my question after having asked directly what I needed! Therefore, I'm applying Tom Holladay's thoughts to the thoughts of Saddleback and Rick Warren.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Story by Anonymous Victim
This story is reposted w/permission. It is an anonymous victim, and I don't even know who but it was on facebook and had the following about sharing:
Please feel free to share this story.
--------------------------
----------------------
Please feel free to share this story.
--------------------------
----------------------
And so I am. Be warned it is incredibly sad.
XOXO,
Lavender
This is my story, I will start at the beginning so that It all comes together.
When I was little I always realized that something was different about my family growing up.
Everything seemed to fit together fine but things went through phases at times. My mother's weight would change drastically and my father would spend more time away from home. I found out years later that my father had been verbally and emotionally abusing my mother into anorexia which almost killed her when I was about 8 years old.
During their marriage he cheated on her twice, once with her friend that was renting a room from us. My mother would hear it through the floor and he would still deny it.
They divorced when I was 13. I stayed with my father only because he was in the house I grew up in. He began locking me in my room to go out with his girlfriend (the second woman he cheated with) and wouldn't feed me. I began having to hide cereal under my bed so I would have food to eat while he was gone. After a few months I went to live with my mother over the summer and realized that things were much better there. I decided to stay with her. My mother took my by my father's house one day to pick up my school schedule. Apparently he had surgery on his throat that day and was sleeping so i didn't say hello because I didn't remember. I called him a few days later to pick me up for the weekend and he said "No you stay with your mother and think about what you did, your not my child anymore"
My mother and I moved to Pennsylvania a year later, I hadn't talked to my father the whole time. Years went by and I had reached my senior year in high school when my mother met Todd. I moved to Pittsburgh to attend college but had to return home because I was diagnosed with a mental illness and could not handle the stress of college away from home. I moved back in with my mom and her new husband Todd ( they had gotten married while I was away.) When she wasn't home he would yell and scream at me and call me a psycho and tell me to get out that it was his house now (in much harsher words). He would do this all the time and then beg for me to respect him and like him.. I constantly told him that in my life respect is earned not given.
A few months after being home him and I proceeded to fight and he threw a mattress, floor fan and couch at me. So I punched him in the eye. My family was actually happy over my actions as they all saw right through him like I did. My grandma paid my fine against my mothers wishes.
A month later we got into it again. He threatened to cut the wires on the computer because my music was loud. I reminded him that my mom had bought it and would be upset if he did so as she was still paying for it. He left me alone and locked himself in the bedroom. I packed a bag and left.
At 5 am that morning my boyfriend at the time's father called us and said we needed to go to his house and talk to the cops. We were apprehensive but he assured we weren't in trouble. We arrived and a few hours later two plain clothes officers came into the living room and verified my identity. They proceeded to tell me that "there was an incident and my mother was killed" I said.... " let me guess. It was Todd" They confirmed that it was. I ran and cried. I buried planned a funeral and buried my mother at 18. He had taken a shotgun and shot her in the head and stomach while she was brushing her hair after he hit her and threw her in the bathtub. He then changed his clothes and reported to the police station with the shells, placing them on the counter and saying "I just killed my wife."
After a lengthy court battle he finally plead guilty and was sentenced to life in prison without parole.
I proceeded my life but it was ruined for many years. It was very hard to go on in life without really having any guidance. I fell deep into depression and my mental illness became worse. I was hospitalized several times because the grief and depression were so bad. This led me into a terrible relationship with a drug addict who in a few instances Choke slammed me into a wall and punched me in the face. I called the cops one time when we actually made my nose bleed and due to PA policy we both were charged.
I have since left him and have restarted my life with a wondeful man who makes me happy all the time and has never hit me or even attempted to. I can't even stay upset or mad with him for more than 2 seconds because he makes me laugh and keeps me happy.
My message to you all is that you too can break the cycle!!! Don't let things that happen to you be the factors that determine your future. I allowed that to happen to me and have since realized that I have the power to change my life and its cycle!
This is my story, I will start at the beginning so that It all comes together.
When I was little I always realized that something was different about my family growing up.
Everything seemed to fit together fine but things went through phases at times. My mother's weight would change drastically and my father would spend more time away from home. I found out years later that my father had been verbally and emotionally abusing my mother into anorexia which almost killed her when I was about 8 years old.
During their marriage he cheated on her twice, once with her friend that was renting a room from us. My mother would hear it through the floor and he would still deny it.
They divorced when I was 13. I stayed with my father only because he was in the house I grew up in. He began locking me in my room to go out with his girlfriend (the second woman he cheated with) and wouldn't feed me. I began having to hide cereal under my bed so I would have food to eat while he was gone. After a few months I went to live with my mother over the summer and realized that things were much better there. I decided to stay with her. My mother took my by my father's house one day to pick up my school schedule. Apparently he had surgery on his throat that day and was sleeping so i didn't say hello because I didn't remember. I called him a few days later to pick me up for the weekend and he said "No you stay with your mother and think about what you did, your not my child anymore"
My mother and I moved to Pennsylvania a year later, I hadn't talked to my father the whole time. Years went by and I had reached my senior year in high school when my mother met Todd. I moved to Pittsburgh to attend college but had to return home because I was diagnosed with a mental illness and could not handle the stress of college away from home. I moved back in with my mom and her new husband Todd ( they had gotten married while I was away.) When she wasn't home he would yell and scream at me and call me a psycho and tell me to get out that it was his house now (in much harsher words). He would do this all the time and then beg for me to respect him and like him.. I constantly told him that in my life respect is earned not given.
A few months after being home him and I proceeded to fight and he threw a mattress, floor fan and couch at me. So I punched him in the eye. My family was actually happy over my actions as they all saw right through him like I did. My grandma paid my fine against my mothers wishes.
A month later we got into it again. He threatened to cut the wires on the computer because my music was loud. I reminded him that my mom had bought it and would be upset if he did so as she was still paying for it. He left me alone and locked himself in the bedroom. I packed a bag and left.
At 5 am that morning my boyfriend at the time's father called us and said we needed to go to his house and talk to the cops. We were apprehensive but he assured we weren't in trouble. We arrived and a few hours later two plain clothes officers came into the living room and verified my identity. They proceeded to tell me that "there was an incident and my mother was killed" I said.... " let me guess. It was Todd" They confirmed that it was. I ran and cried. I buried planned a funeral and buried my mother at 18. He had taken a shotgun and shot her in the head and stomach while she was brushing her hair after he hit her and threw her in the bathtub. He then changed his clothes and reported to the police station with the shells, placing them on the counter and saying "I just killed my wife."
After a lengthy court battle he finally plead guilty and was sentenced to life in prison without parole.
I proceeded my life but it was ruined for many years. It was very hard to go on in life without really having any guidance. I fell deep into depression and my mental illness became worse. I was hospitalized several times because the grief and depression were so bad. This led me into a terrible relationship with a drug addict who in a few instances Choke slammed me into a wall and punched me in the face. I called the cops one time when we actually made my nose bleed and due to PA policy we both were charged.
I have since left him and have restarted my life with a wondeful man who makes me happy all the time and has never hit me or even attempted to. I can't even stay upset or mad with him for more than 2 seconds because he makes me laugh and keeps me happy.
My message to you all is that you too can break the cycle!!! Don't let things that happen to you be the factors that determine your future. I allowed that to happen to me and have since realized that I have the power to change my life and its cycle!
Monday, August 13, 2012
Domestic Violence and the Church part 2
In my last post I talked about the Church and the lack of help and resources offered. Ministers often will send a woman back to an abusive husband saying things like "submit more," "pray more," or "stop trying to spread rumors" and will even at times go to that woman's husband and talk to him, which, while meaning well, as one pastor at a nearby church did, can be dangerous for the woman. The pastor I am talking about refuses to step in this dark world now. Honestly, I don't think some pastors mean any harm, though I know some do considering even pastors can be abusive husbands. One might remember the case of the pastor's wife who shot and killed her abusive husband. Mary Winkler will and has testified to physical, emotional and sexual abuse she suffered at the hands of her husband, Matthew. So as much as some of us like to think pastors are immune to being abusive, they really aren't. Personally, I think Mary is very brave and an exceptional person for killing her husband, but then again I'm not God so God probably wasn't happy w/her but He couldn't have been happy with her husband either. She did the only thing she could think of to escape an abusive marriage with her 3 children and rather than condemning her I'd like to give her a huge hug and say "you did what you thought you had to and that is very brave." It's not like her church would've believed her. Hell, most of them, not all just most, still don't believe it. I'm more inclined to believe her than anything her husband would've said due to my experience with domestic violence. Abusers tend to be master manipulators and pathological liars. In fact, they would make amazing actors considering thats what they do their entire lives in the public sphere. Only in private do they ever put down their mask and reveal the true monster lying beneath. My dad was one of these men. I never once saw him hit my mother in public, but as soon as we got to the car, the beating started if she had done something wrong. There was one time he did beat one of my sisters while we were waiting for him at work, and some of his coworkers finally stepped up and said something. With as much experience as I've had with abusive men, I can honestly say even I can be fooled. A neighbor once told me about her husband's abuse and I was literally shocked b/c he has always seemed so nice. What I'm saying is we can all be fooled by them.
Bringing me to my next point, Pastors and church leaders, especially with their trusting and often loving natures, can very easily be fooled.I believe part of it is their own refusal to believe anything like domestic violence would happen in their church and the blindness that often times comes with that and with just the disbelief that domestic violence can actually exist and people can be so cruel. Pastors are only human, no matter what kind of pedestal we put them on (I'm so guilty of that), and like any human being with a heart and a conscience, doesn't want to believe things like abuse actually happen kinda like people don't want to believe in starving children or that pedophilia is as common as it actually is. We simply cannot wrap our minds around how someone could possibly be so evil.
John Shore, http://www.crosswalk.com/blogs/john-shore/why-pastors-struggle-with-confronting-domestic-violence.html, explains in his article 6 reasons "Why pastors struggle with confronting domestic violence."
1. Domestic violence is fundamentally unbelievable. Like all true evil, domestic violence is basically incomprehensible. Most people find it simply inconceivable that any man would systematically victimize his own wife and children. The monstrousness of it renders it unimaginable.
2. Wife abusers are masterful manipulators. I've known guys whom I knew were beating their wives, and while I was talking with them I could not for the life of me see it in them. Guys who abuse their wives and children are typically the friendliest, most sincere, open, warm, kind, generous, good-natured people you'd ever want filling your hat with horse crap when you're not looking. Next to a wife abuser, the most successful car salesman in the world is a groveling blubberer in a confessional booth. Wife abusers are sociopaths.
3. Pastors think spousal abuse only happens in certain kinds of families. Most people still have the idea that spousal abuse only or primarily happens in certain types of families---in poor families, mainly: in the kinds of families whose members have no particular reason to care one way or another what anyone thinks of them. (He goes on to give an example of a successful lawyer he knew who abused his wife.)
4. Pastors haven't thought enough about the gray area between "submit" and abuse. A lot of pastors hold to the traditional Biblical definition of the proper relation between a husband and wife.. . . I think it's safe to say that pastors get that it's wrong for a husband to beat or otherwise abuse his wife and kids. But I also think that not enough pastors have spent the time their positions dictate they should thinking about the broad, fuzzy line between biblical submission and repugnant victimization. You start throwing around words like "authority" and "submission," and you've put yourself on one slippery slope straight toward one demoralizing place. Pastors need to face and acknowledge that.
5. Pastors believe what they preach. Pastors believe in the power of Christ to heal, to bring new life, to reclaim, to save, to resurrect. They believe in the power of the Holy Spirit to correct and ennoble. They believe in the efficacy of prayer. They believe that through the community of church God radically and permanently transforms people's lives. They believe in the enduring, righteous strength of marriage and family. A pastor faced with a woman saying she's being abused at home is about as inclined to advise that woman to leave her husband as a brain surgeon is to advise someone diagnosed with a brain tumor to seek out the healing powers of a shaman. Pastors don't advise divorce; they don't recommend the shattering of a family unit. They believe not in dissolution, but resolution. By virtue of their vocation, pastors believe that if a husband and wife will only remain in union, keep attending church, and continue to bring their strife to God, all will be well between them. A pastor advising an abused woman to just stick it out with her husband is actually being quite sweet. He's also being really stupid and harmful. But it's sweet, insofar as his advice reflects his love, hope, and belief in God.
Bringing me to my next point, Pastors and church leaders, especially with their trusting and often loving natures, can very easily be fooled.I believe part of it is their own refusal to believe anything like domestic violence would happen in their church and the blindness that often times comes with that and with just the disbelief that domestic violence can actually exist and people can be so cruel. Pastors are only human, no matter what kind of pedestal we put them on (I'm so guilty of that), and like any human being with a heart and a conscience, doesn't want to believe things like abuse actually happen kinda like people don't want to believe in starving children or that pedophilia is as common as it actually is. We simply cannot wrap our minds around how someone could possibly be so evil.
John Shore, http://www.crosswalk.com/blogs/john-shore/why-pastors-struggle-with-confronting-domestic-violence.html, explains in his article 6 reasons "Why pastors struggle with confronting domestic violence."
1. Domestic violence is fundamentally unbelievable. Like all true evil, domestic violence is basically incomprehensible. Most people find it simply inconceivable that any man would systematically victimize his own wife and children. The monstrousness of it renders it unimaginable.
2. Wife abusers are masterful manipulators. I've known guys whom I knew were beating their wives, and while I was talking with them I could not for the life of me see it in them. Guys who abuse their wives and children are typically the friendliest, most sincere, open, warm, kind, generous, good-natured people you'd ever want filling your hat with horse crap when you're not looking. Next to a wife abuser, the most successful car salesman in the world is a groveling blubberer in a confessional booth. Wife abusers are sociopaths.
3. Pastors think spousal abuse only happens in certain kinds of families. Most people still have the idea that spousal abuse only or primarily happens in certain types of families---in poor families, mainly: in the kinds of families whose members have no particular reason to care one way or another what anyone thinks of them. (He goes on to give an example of a successful lawyer he knew who abused his wife.)
4. Pastors haven't thought enough about the gray area between "submit" and abuse. A lot of pastors hold to the traditional Biblical definition of the proper relation between a husband and wife.. . . I think it's safe to say that pastors get that it's wrong for a husband to beat or otherwise abuse his wife and kids. But I also think that not enough pastors have spent the time their positions dictate they should thinking about the broad, fuzzy line between biblical submission and repugnant victimization. You start throwing around words like "authority" and "submission," and you've put yourself on one slippery slope straight toward one demoralizing place. Pastors need to face and acknowledge that.
5. Pastors believe what they preach. Pastors believe in the power of Christ to heal, to bring new life, to reclaim, to save, to resurrect. They believe in the power of the Holy Spirit to correct and ennoble. They believe in the efficacy of prayer. They believe that through the community of church God radically and permanently transforms people's lives. They believe in the enduring, righteous strength of marriage and family. A pastor faced with a woman saying she's being abused at home is about as inclined to advise that woman to leave her husband as a brain surgeon is to advise someone diagnosed with a brain tumor to seek out the healing powers of a shaman. Pastors don't advise divorce; they don't recommend the shattering of a family unit. They believe not in dissolution, but resolution. By virtue of their vocation, pastors believe that if a husband and wife will only remain in union, keep attending church, and continue to bring their strife to God, all will be well between them. A pastor advising an abused woman to just stick it out with her husband is actually being quite sweet. He's also being really stupid and harmful. But it's sweet, insofar as his advice reflects his love, hope, and belief in God.
6. Pastors simply aren't trained about domestic violence. A pastor faced with a domestic violence problem is like a football player faced with a curling stone: he kind of knows what to do with it, but not really. What do pastors know about domestic violence? They're not taught about it in seminary; the subject never comes up at their conferences, retreats, or seminars. Domestic violence is simply not a subject present on the big pastoral radar. So just as a football player told to do something with a curling stone might try to punt, hike, or ... well, pass the stone, so a clergyman faced with a domestic violence problem is likely to counsel patience, forbearance, and the discernment of the will of God. Each man is just doing what he knows. And in so doing each, of course, creates pain.
It's not enough for us to simply desire that our pastors do a better job of handling issues of domestic violence. We must also help them to obtain the training necessary for doing so.
So how can we fix this problem? By bringing awareness and talking it in church. My minister preached yesterday about how we, meaning the Church, preach a feel good Christianity. I'm not going to go into it b/c I simply can't explain it the way he did, but he did cover the fact that if sin makes us happy that is not the kind of happiness God wants in our lives. We are supposed to turn away from sin, and just b/c it makes us happy does not by any means makes it right. This is very true. My point is we don't preach or even talk about real issues or the fact that we should feel convicted when we're in the middle of a sinful lifestyle. The Bible says, and Jesus emphasized it as the 2nd greatest commandment, to Love Thy Neighbor. A neighbor is not just someone living next door or down the street. A neighbor means everyone including one's wife or husband and abuse is NOT LOVE. It is power and control. Real love is defined in 1 Cor 13:4-8
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophesies and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever.
An abuser who doesn't feel convicted will never change and as long as our churches preach the "feel good" topics and stay away from the ugly issues like abuse women will continue to be abused and the church will continue to ignore it. Church members, leaders and ministers all need awareness especially if they are to help abused women, children, and even men. Abuse does happen even in the church, and women, unfortunately, cannot turn to their ministers because even well meaning ministers don't have a clue when it comes to domestic violence unless they have experience and/or training in it. It's a very sad but true reality that needs to be changed and SOON. That's my thoughts on the subject. I will do a part 3 with examples of how to and how not to act as a church leader or minister when it comes to domestic violence as the United Methodist Church has got it right, in my opinion, and some churches, for example Saddleback and the famous Rick Warren, have it all wrong :(
XOXO,Lavender SkyeSunday, July 15, 2012
The Church and Domestic Violence
From Religion Today:
A woman I'll call "Marleen" went to her pastor for help. "My
husband is abusing me," she told him. "Last week he knocked me down
and kicked me. He broke one of my ribs."
Marleen's pastor was sympathetic. He prayed with Marleen—and then he sent
her home. "Try to be more submissive," he advised. "After all,
your husband is your spiritual head."
Two weeks later, Marleen was dead—killed by an abusive husband. Her church
could not believe it. Marleen's husband was a Sunday school teacher and a deacon.
How could he have done such a thing?
Unfortunately this is an all too common occurrence in today's churches. Pastors and ministers are still telling their church members that abuse is not a reason for divorce, to submit more, or husbands are the spiritual head therefore the wife must listen to him and by listening they can prevent the abuse. Um, EXCUSE ME?! Where exactly in the Bible does Jesus say violence is ok or wives who don't submit to their husbands deserve abuse? In fact, Eph 5:24 says "As the Church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands." (NLT) As far as I know the Church did not submit to an abusive Christ. In fact, Jesus Christ is just the opposite. He is nonviolent. He helps the hurting. We can see this in his Parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:30-37) when he ends the parable telling us to "go and do the same" referring to the Samaritan who helped the hurt Jewish man. Another example of Jesus speaking to using nonviolence is the adulterous woman in John 8:3-11. Rather than condemning her to death and stoning her, Jesus turned the accusations around telling the leaders whoever has no sin may stone her 1st. Rather than allowing her to be stoned He forgave her and let her go. If we're to imitate Jesus and live like Him then why should husbands be allowed to beat, rape, and verbally abuse their wives? Jesus forgave the woman's sin as we are called to forgive. Abuse is hardly a way to forgive or "turn the other cheek."
Also, in looking at the Ephesians passage mentioned above, we have to look
at Eph 5:25-26 "For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ
loved the Church. He gave up His life for her to make her holy and
clean, washed by the cleansing of God's word." (NLT). Abuse is never done out of love, but control and domination. Additionally, how can an abusive man love his wife as Christ loved the Church if he isn't following Christ and trying to imitate Him? This whole idea of wives submitting to abusive husbands baffles me. How can we as Christians turn a blind eye toward victims of domestic violence? And what's more, some Christians actually blame the victim!!!!!
How do they blame the victim? All we have to do is look at the most common response of "be more submissive." How many women go to their churches for help in these situations just to have that phrase shoved in their face.
Additionally, abusers like blame other things such as drugs, alcohol, a temper, losing control, etc. Men and women alike cannot simply use the excuse that they lost control, or it was the alcohol or drugs. Abusing someone is a choice. It's not abuse if the person feels remorse and true guilt afterward. The problem comes in whether or not an apology is real. If it is the abuser takes full blame and tries to change. If not, the abuser sometimes uses the phrase "if you didn't make me so mad." This is victim blaming and is a huge problem within abusive relationships and society as a whole including in the Church. The idea that one can "submit enough" is another technique of victim blaming. In reality, a victim can never submit enough or please her husband enough and even asking her to try to do so is perpetuating abuse. Someone who tells the victim to submit more is simply trapping her into a cage. We should never have to do everything to make our husbands, wives, parents, bosses, etc happy at the expense of our own happiness and psychological welfare.
And using the Bible as a justification for it is sickening because no where in the Bible does it say men should abuse their wives and women should be slaves to their husbands. In fact, in 1 Cor 13 Paul talks about love. He says in 1 Cor 13:4-8
Additionally, abusers like blame other things such as drugs, alcohol, a temper, losing control, etc. Men and women alike cannot simply use the excuse that they lost control, or it was the alcohol or drugs. Abusing someone is a choice. It's not abuse if the person feels remorse and true guilt afterward. The problem comes in whether or not an apology is real. If it is the abuser takes full blame and tries to change. If not, the abuser sometimes uses the phrase "if you didn't make me so mad." This is victim blaming and is a huge problem within abusive relationships and society as a whole including in the Church. The idea that one can "submit enough" is another technique of victim blaming. In reality, a victim can never submit enough or please her husband enough and even asking her to try to do so is perpetuating abuse. Someone who tells the victim to submit more is simply trapping her into a cage. We should never have to do everything to make our husbands, wives, parents, bosses, etc happy at the expense of our own happiness and psychological welfare.
And using the Bible as a justification for it is sickening because no where in the Bible does it say men should abuse their wives and women should be slaves to their husbands. In fact, in 1 Cor 13 Paul talks about love. He says in 1 Cor 13:4-8
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophesies and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever.
Having been in an abusive relationship, I can tell you there is no place for the love defined by Paul. Abusive men and women alike don't know what it means to love nor do they have the capacity to do so in my opinion. That being said how can someone possibly love their wife as Christ loves the church if they aren't capable of loving the way Paul tells us to? The answer is they can't. Abuse is, as I said before, about power and control, not love. I strongly believe the Church needs to stand up and recognize this and that this is a reason for divorce and help these victims rather than helping to perpetuate the problem.
In saying all this, I honestly believe that not all the ministers and church leaders say stuff blame that victim on purpose. Domestic violence is not a topic addressed nearly enough in churches if at all in some cases. People who do not understand domestic violence must learn about it from we victims and survivors, but, instead, many turn a blind eye because its not something they like to talk about. Well, it is a fact of life and an ugly and terrifying epidemic and we, especially Christians, cannot sit back and close our eyes to it. It does exist no matter how much we may wish it didn't.
I also believe ministers, church leaders and all Christians do need to address this problem and look for real solutions that don't blame the victim or force her to stay in an abusive relationship esp an abusive marriage. Condemning someone to an abusive marriage, in my eyes, is the same as condemning someone to hell because that is exactly where she is living. An abusive relationship is literally hell on earth, and to offer her no hope of escaping is condemning her to a life of torture, fear, and in some cases death.
In saying all this, I honestly believe that not all the ministers and church leaders say stuff blame that victim on purpose. Domestic violence is not a topic addressed nearly enough in churches if at all in some cases. People who do not understand domestic violence must learn about it from we victims and survivors, but, instead, many turn a blind eye because its not something they like to talk about. Well, it is a fact of life and an ugly and terrifying epidemic and we, especially Christians, cannot sit back and close our eyes to it. It does exist no matter how much we may wish it didn't.
I also believe ministers, church leaders and all Christians do need to address this problem and look for real solutions that don't blame the victim or force her to stay in an abusive relationship esp an abusive marriage. Condemning someone to an abusive marriage, in my eyes, is the same as condemning someone to hell because that is exactly where she is living. An abusive relationship is literally hell on earth, and to offer her no hope of escaping is condemning her to a life of torture, fear, and in some cases death.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)