Dark World of Human Sex Trafficking

Recently I watched the movie, "Human Trafficking," and it brought tears to my eyes, mostly because the things it portrayed really happen. The movie follows 3 different women through their experiences in the world of sex trafficking and slavery. They are made into prostitutes against their wills and are abused, threatened, raped, forced to make pornographic videos, and the list goes on. One woman from The Czech Republic is seduced by a handsome man who pretends to be interested in her and invites her on a trip to Vienna, Austria only to turn her over to a sex slave ring while a 16 yr old girl in Ukraine is chosen as part of a "model search" that ends up a front for the same sex slavery ring. They are both shipped off to the United States, one knowing whats really going on and the other having no clue until she gets to New York after sneaking away from home so neither woman's family knows where they are. The 3rd victim is a little 13 yr old girl from the United States who is touring the Philippines w/her family and is kidnapped in broad daylight in an open marketplace. I won't say what happens b/c I don't want to ruin the movie for anyone reading this but the movie is very graphic and heart wrenching; it is the inspiration behind this post and my decision to bring light to this very lucrative and dark industry of sex slavery.

Definition:

The U.N. defines human trafficking as "the recruitment, transportation, transfer, harbouring or receipt of persons, by means of the threat or use of force or other forms of coercion, of abduction, of fraud, of deception, of the abuse of power or of a position of vulnerability or of the giving or receiving of payments or benefits to achieve the consent of a person having control over another person, for the purpose of exploitation.

Exploitation shall include, at a minimum, the exploitation of the prostitution of others or other forms of sexual exploitation, forced labour or services, slavery of practices similar to slavery, servitude or the removal of organs" (found on http://www.iast.net/thefacts.htm)

Additionally, the FBI has this to say:

"Many people probably remember popular movies and television shows depicting pimps as dressing flashy and driving large fancy cars. More important, the women—adults—consensually and voluntarily engaged in the business of prostitution without complaint. This characterization is extremely inaccurate, nothing more than fiction. In reality, the pimp traffics young women (and sometimes men) completely against their will by force or threat of force; this is human sex trafficking." (http://www.fbi.gov/stats-services/publications/law-enforcement-bulletin/march_2011/human_sex_trafficking)

Statistics:

(http://www.iast.net/thefacts.htm)

• Worldwide, it is estimated that somewhere between 700,000 and four million women, children and men are trafficked each year, and no region is unaffected.

• An estimated 14,500 to 17,500 women and children are trafficked into this country each year. 

• There have been reports of trafficking instances in at least 20 different states, with most cases occurring in New York, California, and Florida. Some Florida law enforcement officials, for example, claim that the state is being inundated with trafficked women from Russia, Ukraine, and Central Europe. INS and Labor Department officials fear that the problem is not only bigger than they thought but also getting worse. For example, INS has discovered 250 brothels in 26 different cities, which likely involved trafficking victims. 

• UNICEF reports that across the world, there are over one million children entering the sex trade every year and that approximately 30 million children have lost their childhood through sexual exploitation over the past 30 years.  

• Belgium, Germany, Greece, Israel, Italy, Japan, the Netherlands, Thailand, Turkey and the United States are countries ranked "very high" as destination countries of trafficked persons.  

(http://www.fbi.gov/stats-services/publications/law-enforcement-bulletin/march_2011/human_sex_trafficking)

• It is the fastest-growing business of organized crime and the third-largest criminal enterprise in the world.

• The majority of sex trafficking is international, with victims taken from such places as South and Southeast Asia, the former Soviet Union, Central and South America, and other less developed areas and moved to more developed ones, including Asia, the Middle East, Western Europe, and North America

• The majority of sex trafficking is international, with victims taken from such places as South and Southeast Asia, the former Soviet Union, Central and South America, and other less developed areas and moved to more developed ones, including Asia, the Middle East, Western Europe, and North America 

• an estimated 293,000 American youths currently are at risk of becoming victims of commercial sexual exploitation. The majority of these victims are runaway or thrown-away youths who live on the streets and become victims of prostitution. These children generally come from homes where they have been abused or from families who have abandoned them 

• The average age at which girls first become victims of prostitution is 12 to 14. It is not only the girls on the streets who are affected; boys and transgender youth enter into prostitution between the ages of 11 and 13 on average 

All I can say is WOW. I knew sex slavery was going on, read stories from survivors and those helping them, and  seen tv shows and a movie, Taken, which deals with it but never really looked into it. It is far more prevalent than anyone has ever discussed and has far more consequences, including economical, social, and esp psychological esp for the girls. Until I watched Human Trafficking I never realized exactly how trapped these girls are, and I call them girls not women because they are just girls, mostly under 21. This movie also showed the realities of the effects on the victims' families. That was probably one of the most disturbing parts. I can't even begin to imagine the horror and hopelessness the girls' families go through. The extent the traffickers will go to is also beyond my comprehension - threatening the lives of not only the girls but of their families, too. One woman in the movie had a daughter she had to protect and only did so w/the help of the US govt. I would never in a million years tell on someone if they could get to my daughter the way these monsters could. And these predators not only are intelligent but resourceful; they prey on the vulnerabilities of their victims -- promising them bright new futures as nannies for rich families, or even models, in the US and other western countries. What 15 or 16 yr old, esp from a poverty stricken area, wouldn't want the fame and fortune that comes with being a model? Or even the dream of coming to the US? These people that do this are the worst, most twisted, and sickest monsters on this planet.
 And the worst part? Its all for money. Promising girls a brighter, possibly safer, future, lying and conning them the whole time only to take them, or in some cases kidnap them, from their families w/the family being completely unaware of whats happening or where they're going, and then turning around and selling them like inanimate objects or animals to be brutalized and raped by men who are nothing more than animals themselves, only animals w/lots of money. They tell the girls they owe them thousands of dollars and have to "pay it back" and then they can go free. The horrific irony?
 They will never be able to pay it back and if by some miracle they do escape? They are changed and haunted forever. They are so psychologically damaged its almost impossible to find themselves again, and their innocence is gone forever. 

The most disturbing part of it all? The United States, my own country, has one of the biggest markets for human sex trafficking/sex slavery in the entire world.

I wouldn't wish this fate on my own worst enemy. 

Something to think about and be aware of.

XOXO,

Lavender

And for all the victims of sex slavery and their families, HUGE AND LOTS OF HUGS.

Are we Nobody?

I'm Nobody! Who are you? 

by Emily Dickinson

I'm Nobody! Who are you?

Are you – Nobody – too?

Then there's a pair of us!

Don't tell! they'd advertise – you know!

How dreary – to be – Somebody!

How public – like a Frog – 

To tell one's name – the livelong June – 

To an admiring Bog!

This has always been one of my favorite poems from the day I first read it in high school. I think it was 9th grade. Why? Because I could relate so well to it as I believe many abuse victims can b/c that’s what we’ve been told and how we’ve been treated by our family, significant other, partner, husband/wife, etc.

I’ve actually been told by a male “friend” of mine that strong (meaning emotionally) women don’t become victims of abuse b/c they know better than let themselves be treated like that. And herein lies the problem w/that false assumption – not only does it re-victimize the victim or survivor but it also lays all the blame on her instead of the abuser. A victim doesn’t choose to be a victim nor do they know what they’re getting into at the beginning of a relationship. Whereas an abuser chooses to abuse and knows exactly what he’s getting into when he enters into a relationship. He or she is not looking for love but control. The full responsibility of the abuse lies on the shoulders of the abuser. The victim is never to blame.

Why is the victim absolved of all responsibility? Simply put, she is manipulated from the very start and soon becomes entangled in the abusers web of manipulation, lies, and abuse without realizing it until its too late and she’s already caught in the spider’s web. And this isn’t a small, friendly spider. It’s a predatory one worse even than a black widow. At least the black widow has a well recognized warning mark. The abuser has no such mark that is well recognized except by those who already know the red flags and don’t brush them off as we tend to do b/c we want to think good of people, especially people we like and have begun to trust.

Trust is at the root of any good, long term relationship so in order to get a victim to commit, an abuser has to establish trust. This isn’t hard b/c he poses as a nice guy and wears a mask in public. There’s a reason people don’t want to believe a victim, and that is b/c the abuser is so good at acting. And this is the same act they pull on a victim. It’s been compared to the Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde character. He is Dr Jekyll, the nice, charming, intelligent man and then once a victim is hooked, Mr Hyde, the evil, cruel man comes out. Abusers are very adept at the “Prince Charming” routine, and most women dream about their “Prince Charming” so when they find him they fall head over heels for him and feel like they’re living a dream.

For women who have come from an abusive home life its even easier to fall into this trap b/c many times they are looking for a way to escape and this seemingly perfect man offers that. My ex-fiance told me he would never hurt me and would protect me and keep me safe and I believed him even after he hurt me b/c I was so desperate to find a man to love me and, he acted like he did. He was sorry when he hurt me until I started “overreacting” and being “too sensitive.” Even emotionally strong women dream of finding Prince Charming and so they get involved w/an abuser and fall into his trap before they see it for what it really is.

Whether abuse victims start out as women w/a healthy, strong sense of self-worth or as shy, vulnerable women w/no sense of self-worth the end result is the same: all feel like a “nobody” once they are caught in the clutches of an abuser. In order for an abuser to control his victim he must first isolate her and destroy any sense of self she may have had through the use of lies and manipulation. It is exceptionally difficult to realize how bad of a situation you’re in and see yourself as being worthy of a better relationship w/a man who will treat you as you deserve when you don’t think you deserve or can do any better than the man you fell in love with. Hence why we need to focus on building up a victim or survivor’s sense of self- to help them out of the darkness and prevent them falling into another abusive relationship.

We (victims and survivors both) are NOT nobody. We are somebody worthy of love, respect, and kindness. Learn to love yourself and defeat the “I’m nobody” attitude. We all are loveable because we don’t seek to destroy other people. Otherwise we would never have been victims in the 1^st place.

XOXOXO,

Lavender

Nightmares

I am keeping this post anonymous but it is a true story written by a survivor in her own words. She is a wonderful, strong woman who I've had the pleasure of meeting and talking to through an online support group.

XOXOXO,

Lavender 

This is my nightmare......

It started when i was about 15. I met  him through a friend. His eyes sparkled and his smile radiated. He wasn't that great looking, but to me he was beautiful. We met and it was  instant love. I felt whole around him. I felt alive. He was into a lot of bad things but I was young and just wanted him to be happy and love me the way I loved him. I followed him everywhere he went and stood beside him what ever he did. By 16 years old I was running drugs with him. The same years I began being his partner in crime I was arrested. I was sent to rehab for 8 months to get out of trouble I was in getting caught with a lot of marijuana. Needless to say he left me when I was 17, still in the rehab. I shed more tears in a week that I have ever shed in my life up to this point. I lost what I thought was my best friend, my love, my soul mate. I know it's silly looking back now but at 15,16, 17 years old we all feel like every boyfriend he had was the one. I got out of the rehab and was sent to a group home. While I was there I got back in contact with him. The feelings came rushing back and hit my heart like a rip tide. He would make promises to come seen me and to take me away. He swore he would save me as soon as I turned 18 and we would never be apart. My foster father forbid me from speaking to him. My foster parents were not very happy with the fact after every call, every chat online, after every e-mail I would rush to my room and cry non stop. I didn't under stand why he would make these empty promises. If I only knew what I know now.....

Fast forward one failed marriage and a beautiful daughter later. I got a phone call from a strange number. I knew who it was the moment I heard him say "well hello there". My heart hit the floor right beside my jaw. This call began a horrid chapter in my life. We began to speak to each other every couple of days. Soon after I first heard from him I moved back to FL. I decided to go see him and his family the same day I got to FL. I couldn't wait to see the man he had turned into. I arrived at his mother's home. I lost my heart again that day. He stole it right out of my chest. He played with my daughter , we talked of old times , and about the stupid things we did as children. I was trapped before I even knew it. He was almost exactly how I remembered him, but for some reason he seemed even more beautiful then he did when we were growing up together. We moved in together shortly after my arrival. He was staying with his mother and step father- he had just got out of jail serving a 8 month sentence for all sorts of crimes.  Everything was great for awhile. ( I wish I had known about red flags back then)

One day I made him mad over something so small I really don't remember what it was. He began throwing my belongings out of a window along with my 2 year old daughter's bed and toys. I begged him to stop. I still remember watching him throw the items out the window. I looked at him and for a split second I thought to myself to run. Alas, I did not. This would prove to be the worst mistake of my life. I calmly walked up to him and touched his arm and asked him to stop. He jerked around and slapped me across the face and pushed me down onto a metal doll stroller, my stomach landing right in the handle. I was in shock. I crawled my way over to the closet and pulled myself inside, cowering into the tiny corner. I couldn't scream, I couldn't cry I was just frozen. He then made his way to the closet sitting on the floor and began to cry begging me for forgiveness. Only then did the tears find their way down my red cheeks.He said he was sorry and  it would never ever happen again.

I almost immediately  began cramping and running a fever. Two days later I woke to find myself bleeding heavily and in the worst pain I had ever felt physically.  He refused to take me to the er. I  was rushed to the hospital by his mother only to find I was losing a child I had no idea I was even pregnant with.  His mother told him the news and he simply replied "OK". The doctors began asking questions "Is there a history of domestic violence in your home?" I didn't reply for what seemed like 5 mins. Then slowly I said no. "have you suffered any physical trauma in the last week? Have you fallen or been under a lot of stress?" I couldn't speak. I only shook my head no. I was taken care of and released. I knew what he had done.  I went home to him and layed on the couch for 5 days drugged out of my mind, in such physical pain and mental turmoil. We never once discussed what had happened. After I recovered we went along with life like it had never happened. I held a grudge knowing he had murdered a innocent soul that would never be able to grace us with it's presence due to his lack of control.

The abuse continued for sometime... escalating  slowly at first. It was name calling played off as a joke. Covertly controlling my money, making comments about my friends he didn't like me speaking with, going with me every place I would go and listening to my phone conversations. Eventually we moved into our own place. This is where I almost met my end.

The physical abuse escalated to a point where I was in fear everyday. I woke up extra early to get my daughter to school early, so I would have extra time during the day to clean up the mess he had made the night before with his drinking and  druggin with all his buddies.  Dinner had to be ready at 6pm sharp, house cleaned, cloths layed out for his shower,laundry done, my hair and make up done and dressed correctly. If something was out of order I knew my head would be slammed into the wall when he walked in the door.

He would hit me for any small reason. Bitch was my name. For awhile I thought no one knew my God given name, he and his friends would call me bitch. So many nights I was thrown into walls, had my head slammed into them or into the floor. I was thrown across rooms. As if I could fly I sailed from one side to the other never touching the ground. He like to tear on my clothing with his bare hands. Cut up my boots and shoes with no second thought. I remember one time I was on my knees rocking my then 2 year old little girl back and forth crying in her poor little ear. He hovered over us screaming at me to stop crying like a baby as he broke my collection of dolphins and snow globes one by one, taunting me the whole way. I remember his words as if he's speaking to me now. "Who bought this one for you-oh that's right your fucking dead great grandmother left these for you when the hag died". "oh your mom got this for you when you graduated high school -right? answer me bitch" slam. shatter. Tears.

The police were called when the neighbors would hear me scream. i always covered for him using one excuse or another. the pit bull we owned had attacked my favorite cat. I fell down the steps - tha'ts how I broke the vertebra in my back- i fall down these damn steps a lot. I finally got to the point when the police would come I would tell them I wanted to leave , but he never ever put a hand on me- he would never do such a thing! (HA) I would leave for the night , but in the morning I was told to return home. I did as I was told. I was a good girl. I always did what I was told.

Eventually I received permission to speak to one of my friends. This did not turn out well in the long run. I would call her over to collect my daughter when I knew i was going to receive a beating. She would also come over and clean my wounds and help clean the house up after a fight. He would sit on the couch  drinking his beer, smoking his pot, and enjoy the dinner I cooked for him, as my friend and I would clean in dead un- nerving  silence, or his favorite- acting like nothing had happened. He grew mad after awhile I had such a friend so he tried to attack her as well, he threw gatorade bottles at her head. Eventually he cut me off from her. She had become a liability to him.

He left me often, normally on fridays, when he would get paid. He would return on Mondays claiming he wanted to work things out for the better. False promises of no more abuse, counseling and anger management were a regular.

I found out I was pregnant. Stupidly I thought this would make him stop. We never did anything to control pregnancy. In the back of my mind I always wanted to secretly get birth control but I was to frighten he would find out. He wanted a child, a son, more then anything in the world. A little "mini me" as he would say. He left me when I was three months along only to return because he though I had a black man in my house I was sleeping with. He is and was totally against white people and black being together. Really he is against anything but whites with whites. He came back to our home smelled as if he had been drinking all day. He threw me around the house. Threw me stomach first into a chair choked me and slammed me into the couch. he kicked me square in my butt while I was on the floor. I was in serious fear for my life. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife. He grabbed it from me cutting his hand and put the knife to my throat threatening to end my life and the life of his unborn child. there was no fear in this demon that had replaced my lover, my friend, my soul mate, my life. . The once beautiful eyes I adored had become cold and black. this was the first time I had really looked at his eyes in months. I shook with fear. I was scared to the point i urinated on myself.  Oddly enough I think pissing on myself saved my life. He let go of me and I ran to the bathroom with my cell phone I had recovered from him and dialed 911. He managed to call my mother and tell her he had finally got me. She thought I was dead. he hung up and called 911 and told them I had stabbed him unprovoked. Needless to say I was on the phone with 911 screaming he's going to kill me he has a gun. The 9 mil was hidden in a stolen trailer in the front yard where he now stood. The police came and arrested me. My first ever time in trouble. Aggravated battery with a deadly weapon. ! to 5 in the pen. i was in jail for about 24 hours. I was in a cage but I was so free. i did not shed one single tear. i ate  what was a damn good meal to me, my first meal free. I knew this was it, there was no going back.... or so I thought.

i was released with a no contact order. I moved; I got all my belongings from the home we shared. the home I had so many dreams focused on. I held my belly and spoke to my unborn child asking for his forgiveness for not leaving sooner. I held my little girls hand and we walked away. I looked back only once, long enough to see the tears streaming down his face... I look for what seemed to be a lifetime and I simply smiled and shot him the bird.

The next few months proved to be very difficult for me. My belly was growing bigger, but my heart shrank up and died. I lost 30 pounds, I was facing years in prison, losing both my children, I couldn't eat, I couldn't focus, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. In time the charges against me where dropped. I could breathe again, but only for a moment. I made a dumb mistake I can never ever take back. I called him the day the no contact order was lifted.  He spoke to me so kindly, asking for forgiveness and he had seen the error of his ways. Like a fool I believed him. We started visiting each other. Things seemed different. He held doors open for me, he held my hand, he cried with me, he laughed with me and he made me feel that same feeling I had felt so many years ago at the tender age of 15. I moved back in with him when I was about 7 months along with my beautiful little boy.

Needless to say things changed again. The abuse started again. He made me do thing I didn't want to do. He took away all my friends, turned my family against me, took over my money, called me fat everyday... I was 8 months pregnant! The only thing he wasn't doing was hitting me. We got into a huge fight Sept 5th. I begain having contractions as he was throwing things around the house. I told him I thought I was going into labor and he called me a liar. I begged him to take me to the hospital. he refused and told me he wasn't going to waste his time doing shit for me. I grabbed my keys and jumped into my car. I knew something wasn't right. I had went into labor when I was 6 months and was on the pills to stop it, along with shots to prolong the birth.  The contractions were coming to fast, to strong, I couldn't drive. I knew if I called 911 to come get me I would be in for it later. I called him from inside my car and begged him. He still refused. It took 3 of his drinking buddies to convince him to take me. Even they, at this point , said he was taking things to a level that was out of control. I was in the hospital for 3 days waiting for my baby to come. There were complications and bumps the entire 3 days. he complained about being there... left me alone for hours to go have a drink and to get high. On Sept 8th 2011 I welcomed my 8pnd 3oz bruised purple faced little boy. He didn't cry at first.. I stopped breathing and my ex stood there with a shocked look. He then reached into his pocket to pick up with vibrating cell phone "hello? oh man I can't deliver it to you now, how much did you want? a quarter? ( for those of you who don't know this a amount of marijuana) well my son was just born like literally... I haven't even cut the cord yet, hes not crying so these people r doing something to him, ill call you back in about ten mins" I heard my son cry and my ex cut the cord. After everything was said and done my ex kissed me goodbye and went to smoke a cigg.... he returned 3 hours later with his drunk buddy and I knew something was wrong. He had gotten a written arrest for driving my car with a suspended dl and a pot pipe in my car.....

Almost as soon as we got home the physical violence picked back up to it's normal. Kinda like a dog that pissed on the floor I was pulled through the house by my hair and shown what I forgot to do or something I didn't clean as well as he like. I had my face shoved into the corner I forgot to scrub. I was pulled around choked...beatings with no mercy what so ever. Of course this was all my fault, if i would have just done what I was told he wouldn't have to do this to me. He loved me, he wanted to make me his wife. We were going to live happily ever after if i could just get it right (*note my sarcasm)

He came home from work one very faithful day, pissed beyond belief because I had changed some plans. I was being a whore and a slut not to mention a bitch. I sat on the couch holding my son as he threw my cloths out the door. I wasn't fighting him today, i didn't have the energy to fight today. I thought i was safe at least for the moment, from the beating I knew I would get. He was extra pissed today. I picked myself off the couch walked grabbed my keys and phone and started to walk out the front door. Thank God almighty that my daughter was visiting her father this day. He grabbed me and threw me to the floor with my baby in my arms. Something clicked in my soul that moment I had seen my 2 month old on the floor. enough was enough. Hell's fury I know, was beaming from my eyes. laying on the floor I kicked that asshole right between the eyes and grabbed my son and ran for a side door. He was too quick grabbed me and threw me to the bed. pounding into the back of my head, jumping on me, hitting my baby in the forehead.. Stealing my newborn from my safe protective arms, he layed my son next to me and began to beat my face into the bed holding it down trying to smother me....( honestly I didn't remember the choking til just recently I think I blocked it out.)  I fought for my life. I would manage a quick breath only to get it knock out of my when my head would slammed to the wall next to our bed. Again and again and again. My quick breathing kept me from seeing the blackness. I fought hard not to black out. This was my life on the line, this was my sons life. God knows what he would have done if i let myself slip into the darkness that was slowing creeping up on me. he held my arms down, crossed my legs and he even at one point tried to kiss me... uh wtf ? I managed to break free... that was GOD. I know that for a fact. I grabbed my baby and ran for the back door... opened it got to the first step... freedom. . . run- run as fast as you have ever ran... i stepped for the second step only to feel the tug on the back of my shirt. I hear my favorite yellow and white spaghetti strap  shirt rip down the back.... oh shit.

I was pulled inside and  thrown into the back bedroom door. I was pinned. I remember hoping he didn't have enough time to grab the 25 from the closet. he once again pryed my son from my arms and raised his foot to stomp my face. I looked him dead in the eyes. yes, I refused to go out with out looking into the devils eyes. I told him I'm not scared anymore and covered my head... he froze. he picked me up threw me into the bathroom ripping my shirt totally off and gave me my son back.  he kept us locked in there for 15 mins maybe 30; time stood still for me as i sat topless on the toilet holding my screaming son. i convinced him i wouldn't tell i wouldn't call the cops.... he finally let us out and he left. he left for almost 2 weeks, left me with no diapers, no food, no money, he stole my last 130 bucks in effort to keep me from leaving.. I begged him for the 2 weeks to bring me diapers n what not. he refused.

I was done. I waited about a week or so til i thought things were cooled off and I for sure knew his whereabouts. I had a yard sale and sold everything I have, everything my kids had... I packed up my altima and drove away. I got a PO on him and now we are fighting it out with custody and all the odds n ins that go with that.

I am free now. I still have nightmares, I can't sleep in my bed. I still watch everywhere I go. I keep my alarm on even when I'm home. I catch myself seeing him when he isn't really there. I hear his voice in the back of my mind telling me I'll never make it. I feel alone alot. I feel quilt and shame. I'm just like everyone else that has been abused. I'll tell you this much, my friends, my sisters and brothers.. I AM FREE  I'M ALIVE AND THANK GOD ALMIGHTY SO ARE MY CHILDREN. I will never make the same mistake. i will never risk my life or the lives of my children ever again. You live and you learn, you grow and you become stronger.

For those of you still in a abusive relationship please please get out as soon as you can. I'm a living (thank god) testimony that these people do not change. it only gets worse. This isn't even my whole story these are just tidbits of the every day hell I lived for so many years.

Thank you all for taking the time to read my novel lol. It is time for me to let it all out. My wings are no longer tied up... I cut the strings away and it is time for me to soar...

A Poem - It Coulda Been Me

A poem several people have shared. It was found on the internet by a friend of mine who shared it w/me and others. I have no idea who wrote it, but it's beautiful. Please, if anyone knows who wrote it, let me know. I'd like to give credit where credit is due. This poem sums up domestic violence so well and brings a powerful message with it so it can't be ignored. Survivors and victims alike can relate to the woman in the poem, and others can see it from a victim's point of view.

Thanks and enjoy.

XOXOXO,

Lavender Skye                                                                                                                                        

It Coulda Been me....

I got flowers today
It wasn't my birthday or any other special day.
Last night we had a fight and he hit me,
But I know he is sorry
Cause I got flowers today

I got flowers today
It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day.
Last night he threw me against the wall and started to choke me,
But I know he's sorry,
Cause I got flowers today

I got flowers today
It wasn't Mothers day or any other special day
I was so swollen and bruised I was ashamed to answer the door
But I know he's sorry,
Cause I got flowers today

If I leave him, where will I go?
What about money? what about my kids?
It's getting worse every time but I'm afraid to leave
But I know he's sorry
Cause I got flowers today

I got flowers today
My family and friends filed by to see me
Asking why I never left him,
If I only had the strength and courage to, but I didn't
So I got Flowers today

Darkness Unveiled: The world of domestic violence: Children and Domestic Violence

Darkness Unveiled: The world of domestic violence: Children and Domestic Violence: Lately it seems like I'm hearing a lot about children who live in violent homes and how this affects them. This is one of the most "unspoke...

Children and Domestic Violence

Lately it seems like I'm hearing a lot about children who live in violent homes and how this affects them. This is one of the most "unspoken" (as if there weren't enough already) areas of domestic violence. Children, whether or not they are abused themselves, are still affected in a myriad of ways when witnessing domestic violence. In my opinion making or even letting a child witness domestic violence should be considered a form of child abuse because it is so detrimental to a child psychological well being. Some of the effects are as follows (http://www.unicef.org/protection/files/BehindClosedDoors.pdf)

Children are more likely to be victims of child abuse

Among victims of child abuse, 40 per cent report domestic violence in the home. One study in North America found that children who were exposed to violence in the home were 15 times more likely to be physically and/or sexually assaulted than the national average.

Significant harm to a "child's physical, emotional, and social development"

Small children exposed to domestic violence experience so much added emotional stress that it can harm the development of their brains and impair cognitive and sensory growth. Behavior changes can include excessive irritability, sleep problems, emotional distress, fear of being alone, immature behavior, and problems with toilet training and language development. Personality and behavioral problems among children exposed to violence in the home include a higher risk of developing depression, anxiety, and other psychological disorders as well as having higher incidents of substance abuse, juvenile pregnancy and juvenile delinquency than those raised in homes without violence.

Some studies suggest social development is also damaged. Some children lose the ability to feel empathy for others, feel socially isolated, are unable to make friends as easily due to social discomfort or confusion over what is acceptable. Many studies have noted that children from violent homes exhibit signs of more aggressive behavior, such as bullying, and are up to three times more likely to be involved in fighting. In addition to these effects, children are at risk of getting hurt themselves if and when they try to protect the victim. Many children who
are present during acts of domestic violence try to help. One study showed that in 15 per cent of the cases when children were present, they tried to prevent the violence, and 6 per cent tried to get outside help. Another 10 per cent actively tried to protect the victim or make the violence stop.

Some important statistics from The Alabama Coalition Against Domestic Violence http://www.acadv.org/children.html

• Each year an estimated 3.3 million children are exposed to violence against their mothers or female caretakers by family members. (American Psychological Association, Violence and the Family: Report of the APA Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family,1996)
• Studies show that child abuse occurs in 30 to 60 percent of family violence cases that involve families with children. (J.L. Edleson, "The overlap between child maltreatment and woman battering." Violence Against Women, February, 1999.)
• A survey of 6,000 American families found that 50 percent of men who assault their wives, also abuse their children. (Pagelow, "The Forgotten Victims: Children of Domestic Violence," 1989)
• Research shows that 80 to 90 percent of children living in homes where there is domestic violence are aware of the violence. (Pagelow, "Effects of Domestic Violence on Children," Mediation Quarterly, 1990)
• A number one predictor of child abuse is woman abuse. (Stark and Flitcraft, "Women at Risk: A Feminist Perspective on Child Abuse," International Journal of Health Services, 1988)
• The more severe the abuse of the mother, the worse the child abuse. (Bowker, Arbitell, and McFerron, "On the Relationship Between Wife Beating and Child Abuse," Perspectives on Wife Abuse, 1988)
• Some 80 percent of child fatilities within the family are attributable to fathers or father surrogates. (Bergman, Larsen and Mueller, "Changing Spectrum of Serious Child Abuse," Pediatrics, 1986)
• In families where the mother is assaulted by the father, daughters are at risk of sexual abuse 6.51 times greater than girls in non-abusive families (Bowker, Arbitell and McFerron, 1988)
• A child's exposure to the father abusing the mother is the strongest risk fact for transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the next (American Psychological Association, Violence and the Family: Report of the APA Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family,1996)
• Male children who witness the abuse of mothers by fathers are more likely to become men who batter in adulthood than those male children from homes free of violence (Rosenbaum and O'Leary, "Children: The Unintended Victims of Marital Violence," American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 1981)
• Older children are frequently assaulted when they intervene to defend or protect their mothers. (Hilberman and Munson, "Sixty Battered Women," Victimology: An International Journal, 1977-78)
• In a 36-month study of 146 children, ages 11-17 who came from homes where there was domestic violence, all sons over the age of 14 attempted to protect their mothers from attacks. Some 62 percent were injured in the process. (Roy, 1988)

So what does all this mean?

This means we all, as a society, not only need to break the silence and raise awareness for domestic violence because of the adult victims but also for the children involved. Domestic violence is an epidemic with 1 in 4 women and 1 in 11 men being victims at some point. Now, think of their children. All the children who witness the violence and who get caught up in the middle and get hurt because they're either trying to protect their mothers (or fathers) or they're in the wrong place at the wrong time. I still remember the day my parents got into an argument, and my dad threw a glass from the kitchen at my mom in the family room. Instead of it hitting my mom, the glass hit one of my sisters in the forehead; the next day, while at the babysitter's, my sister pushed another boy off a table because she was mad about what had happened the day before. How's that for physical and social effects? Plus, she still has a scar to prove it and it happened about 24 yrs ago. Also, I went after my dad when I was in high school because he was beating on my mom, and I would rather have him hit me and he did. I've seen children who have witnessed domestic violence freeze up when someone yells. I'm still afraid of men when they get mad. 

Children who grow up in violent homes are likely to continue the cycle of violence by becoming abusers themselves (mostly boys) or becoming involved in abusive relationships (mostly girls) because that is how they are raised and anything else seems abnormal and scary. It is incredibly difficult to grow up trusting people and feeling worthy and safe when a child grows up in such an unpredictable and volatile environment. The longer we choose to ignore domestic violence, the longer we will have victims and future abuse. And don't forget the above statistics - 50% of men who abuse their wives also abuse their children. In other words, if we want to stop child abuse we must address spousal abuse as well and get these children and women to safer environments and away from the abuse, preferably together. We owe it not only to domestic violence victims, but to their children as well.

XOXOXO,

Lavender

Domestic Violence Myths & Facts

Domestic violence is a very real danger to thousands of women AND men. 1 in 4 women and 1 in 11 men are victims of domestic violence in their lifetimes. This is a very high ratio that shocked even me. Its a silent crime b/c no one talks about it or wants to "get involved." It is NOT "between them" or a "family problem." It is a societal problem. It not only affects the victim but her family, friends, and neighbors as well as random people who may witness the violence if/when it happens out in public. I have personally witnessed a man push his girlfriend or wife and then chase her down the street and grab her, yelling at her. I don't remember how old I was but I was probably in late elementary or early middle school. I'd been a witness to domestic violence before but never b/w someone other than my parents and even that never happened in public. Looking back I should've called the police, and I had thought about it but didn't. There was also an incident a few years ago my friend saw after going to my car to wait for me to finish shopping at the mall. She told me she saw a man hit his girlfriend in the next car. They were arguing  when it happened, and she thought about calling the police but the couple got out of the car and left before she could. Domestic violence is all around us, but we choose to be blind to it. We make excuses such as "they look like they made up" or  "maybe it was an accident." And the whole "I fell down the stairs excuse" is probably the most commonly overused cover up a victim can use because people still believe it. After all, how many of us have never tripped or fallen a set of stairs at some point?                                                                                                                            

                                                                                                                                                  

Makeup, long sleeves, long pants, sunglasses all hide the marks and bruises. Think about a woman who wears a sweater  when its too hot. She's probably hiding something. It's one thing to carry a sweater in case she gets cold inside a restaurant, etc (I used to all the time and still do most times) but quite another to be wearing it in warm weather. I know I used to  worry about wearing spaghetti strap tops after my dad left bruises on my arms. I only wore them in hopes someone would notice but no one ever did or, if they did, never asked about them. Even it the sweater isn't hiding bruises it could be hiding something else. I remember wearing a zip up sweatshirt over a really pretty tube top on one warm summer day to "surprise" my boyfriend/ex fiance at the time by going up to his place of work near the time he got off work. Well , normally I would've worn the tube top w/out a coverup both b/c of how warm it was and because it looked really good on me, but I had been told by my boyfriend to never wear it without him after he bought it for me. He didn't want other men looking at me unless he was around and that top would definitely draw attention. And so I wore the sweatshirt to "hide" my body and still got in trouble b/c I had worn it out; it didn't matter that it was only on the way to see him or that it was covered up. That's an example of "hiding" something other than bruises.

                                                                                                                                                      

Domestic violence is NOT an accident, a family problem, a "one time" incident, none of your business, or OK AT ALL. 

XOXOXO,

Lavender Skye 

                                                                                                                                                        

Following are a few domestic violence myths and the actual facts from http://www.bu.edu/police/prevention/domestic_violence_myth.htm.

Myth: When a couple is having a domestic violence problem, it is just that they have a bad relationship. Often, it's poor communication that is the problem.

Fact: Bad relationships do not result in or cause domestic violence. The idea that bad relationships cause violence in the home is one of the most common, and dangerous, misconceptions about domestic violence. First, it encourages all parties involved - including and especially the victim- to minimize the seriousness of the problem and focus their energies on "improving the relationship" in the false hope that this will stop the violence. It also allows the abuser to blame the bad relationship and the violence itself on the victim, rather than acknowledging his/her own responsibility.

More importantly, improving the relationship is not likely by itself to end the violence. Violence is learned behavior. Many couples have had bad relationships yet never become physically violent. Many batterers are violent in every one of their relationships, whether they consider them bad or good. The violent individual is the sole source and cause of the violence, and neither his/her partner nor their relationship should be held responsible.

Myth: Most domestic violence incidents are caused by alcohol or drug abuse.

Fact: Many people have alcohol and/or drug problems but are not violent, similarly, many batterers are not substance abusers. How people behave when they are "under the influence" of alcohol and/or drugs depends on a complex combination of personal, social, physical and emotional factors. And like many other types of behavior, alcohol or drug-affected behavior patterns are culturally learned.

It is often easier to blame an alcohol or drug abuse problem than to admit that you or your partner is violent even when sober. Episodes of problem drinking and incidents of domestic violence often occur separately and must be treated as two distinct issues. Neither alcoholism nor drugs can explain or excuse domestic violence.

Myth: Domestic violence is often triggered by stress, for example, the loss of a job or some financial or marital problem.

Fact: Daily life is full of frustration associated with money and work, our families and other personal relationships. Everyone experiences stress, and everyone responds to it differently.

Violence is a specific learned and chosen response to stress, whether real or imagined. Certainly, high general levels of domestic violence can be related to social problems such as unemployment, however, other reactions to such situations are equally possible. Some people take out their frustrations on themselves with drug or alcohol, some take it out on others with verbal or physical abuse.

Myth: Most domestic violence occurs in lower class or minority communities.

Fact: Domestic violence occurs at all levels of society, regardless of their social, economic, racial or cultural backgrounds.

Researchers and service providers have found, however, that economic and social factors can have a significant impact on how people respond to violent incidents and what kind of help they seek. Affluent people can usually afford private help - doctors, lawyers and counselors while people with fewer financial resources (i.e., those belonging to a lower economic class or a minority group) tend to call the police or other public agencies. These agencies are often the only available source of statistics on domestic violence, and consequently, lower class and minority communities tend to be overrepresented in those figures, creating a distorted image of the problem.

Myth: The victim did something to provoke the violence.

Fact: No one deserves to be beaten, battered, threatened or in any way victimized by violence. Batterers will rarely admit that they are the cause of the problem. In fact, putting the blame for the violence on the victim is a way to manipulate the victim and other people. Batterers will tell the victim, "You made me mad" or "You made me jealous" or will try to shift the burden by saying "Everyone acts like that." Most victims try to placate and please their abusive partners in order to deescalate the violence. The batterer chooses to abuse, and bears full responsibility for the violence.

Myth: Most batterers simply lose control during violent incidents and do not know what they're doing.

Fact: If batterers were truly out of control, as many claim to be during violent incidents, there would be many more domestic violence homicides. In fact, many batterers do "control" their violence, abusing their victims in less visible places on their bodies, such as under the hairline or on the torso. Furthermore, researchers have found that domestic violence often occurs in cycles, and every episode is preceded by a predictable, repeated pattern of behavior and decisions made by the batterer.

Myth: Men are victims of domestic violence as often as women, even if they aren't reported.

Fact: The bottom line is that domestic violence is a crime -- regardless of the gender of the abuser or the victim and regardless of whether it is a heterosexual or same-sex relationship. Data from the FBI and the Bureau of Justice Statistics show that 85% of victims of intimate partner violence (IPV) are women. Acknowledging this indisputable fact does not negate our concern for the men who comprise the remaining 15% of IPV victims.

Myth: Domestic violence is a less serious problem - less lethal - than "real" violence, like street crimes.

Fact: It is a terrible and unrecognized fact that for many people, home is the least safe place. Domestic violence accounts for a significant proportion of all serious crimes - aggravated assault, rape and homicide. Furthermore, when compared with stranger-to-stranger crime, rate of occurrence and levels of severity are still under reported for domestic violence.