Kiara's Story

Kiara was a Christian abuse victim for years, but did not recognise the verbal abuse she was subjected to, until the day it turned into physical violence. This is her domestic abuse story:

I was married to my abuser for 5 years. We had dated and eventually became engaged over a three ye ar period. During this period he had been charming and sweet, rarely showing any signs of abuse. But as I look back now, I realize there were signs, I just didn't want to see them. He was often manipulative and would say/do whatever it took to get his way and sometimes became easily angered. This bothered me, but I just brushed it off, and always let him have his way. It was easier that way. As we drew closer to the wedding date, I started getting warnings from friends (mostly his friends) and family, specifically his mother, who warned me that he had a "bad temper" and could say horrible things when he was angry. I just brushed this aside as normal child/parent stuff. Friends would warn me that they didn't think I was supposed to marry him because they had a bad feeling he would be abusive, or just sensed something wasn't right. Hindsight is 20/20, but I didn't listen and we were married.

Literally minutes after the wedding I saw something change in him, almost like a dark cloud had come over him. I felt an awful fear when I looked at him, but thought it was just wedding jitters. From that point on, he was different. Our whole honeymoon he was in a bad mood and very short-tempered. When we returned and were packing to move to a new state, he became enraged over something and started screaming obscenities, throwing things at me, and saying he wished he had never married me. This was after 6 days of marriage, and it was just the beginning. From that point on he was this strange new man, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, incredibly sweet one moment, and explosive the next. I never knew what would set him off, and walked on eggshells constantly. He was extremely verbally abusive, manipulative, and played head games, often making me feel crazy. He became physically violent after a few weeks, throwing things, shoving me, and trying to throw me out of the house in my underwear. At one point he even pulled a knife on me. But I continued to stay, always praying, always hoping that he would change back into the man I had known before we were married. I thought, he hasn't hit me, so it's not that bad, I can stay.

For years during our marriage I went to counseling off and on and begged him to come with me, but he wouldn't. He said the problems in our marriage were because of me, that he didn't have a problem. That he got angry because of what I did or how I was; if I would just be better, than he wouldn't have to get angry. So I fixed his favorite gourmet meals, cleaned the house, said the right things and tried to change myself, thinking he would stop being angry. But he always found something else to be angry about. I also spoke with people in the church about what was going on and the response was always to pray about it and try to be more "submissive". During this time I slipped further and further into depression, often feeling suicidal, and also shared this with people in the church. Again, they just prayed, and said God would work it out. This was another area where he was abusive, spiritually, often saying 'Why would God answer you? Look at you! You're so horrible, God wouldn't talk to you. You're in sin and God won't bless you. He blesses and uses me all the time.' For some time this destroyed my faith and relationship with God to the point where I stopped praying or trying. I started to believe that God saw me this way and that I must deserve his (my husband) abuse since I'm a "bad person".

Our entire marriage was like this, the vicious cycle continuing and my depression deepening. On my 25th birthday and after 4 years of marriage, I suddenly looked at my life and thought 'This is ridiculous! I'm 25 and young and wish my life would end every day. I live in fear constantly. This has to be abuse! There has to be a way out!' It took most of that year, the anger fueling me more and more to plan how to overcome this and possibly leave. I knew he couldn't be "fixed". So I began to tell him 'Either we go to marriage counseling, or we get a divorce.' He would say yes to placate me, then say no when he realized I was serious and setting up appointments to go. This went on for months, and his anger was escalating as well. His tirades grew louder and meaner, his control tightened on everything even more. Finances, relationships, etc. I wasn't allowed to go to college because he had to "take care of his dreams" first. I'd get to go one day when he decided we had the money, which meant never. And through this I planned how I could leave without jeopardizing my friends or relatives and without losing everything I'd worked so hard for (I made more money than he did). The answer came unexpectedly, I believe at God's hand.

He came home again in one of his explosive, violent moods, upset that I wanted to go to marriage counseling. There was something different this night though; I felt it. He became physically violent and I tried to leave but he trapped me in the house. I called the police to get him to back off and when he did I hung up. I didn't know that it had gone through and they had traced the call. 15 minutes later they were at the door, taking our statements. After seeing a bruise on my hand and damage to walls and other things in the house, he was arrested. Through this process they enforced a No Contact Order, which kept him away from me and barred him from the house. I know now that this was the best possible way this could have happened. He would never have allowed me to leave and would have harmed anyone who had tried to help me. I had never considered going to shelter - I hadn't thought my situation was bad enough to warrant it. I had never realized that it was domestic violence, even if he never hit me.

I have filed for divorce since, and have been amazed by the responses I've received from many people within the church. I believe in God and know that He kept me through this and directed how this happened (the arrest)-He doesn't want anyone in an abusive relationship. I know this now, and it has helped me to walk through responses from church members where my husband started attending. They have called to criticize me for not giving him another chance, for not having enough faith in God to work out our marriage, and saying that God hates divorce. I have had to learn to shut my ears to what they say - they have no idea what it's like to live through an abusive relationship. To live each day wishing to die, feeling there is no hope for your life and you are trapped. To be told that you are worthless, nothing, and deserve the abuse you received from your childhood. Their lives have not been threatened by the person who is suppose to love and cherish them. They have not spent every moment in fear and dread.

I am free now. He has begged, pleaded, and threatened, wanting me to take him back, but I can no longer hear him. I have closed my ears and my heart to him. I am beginning to remember who I am, and realize that the things he said about me weren't true. I'm not stupid, lazy, or worthless. I have something to offer, and I can make it on my own. I have my whole life ahead of me and can't wait to live life! I also have a long, hard road ahead of me, I know, but it is nothing in comparison to the hell I lived through for 5 years. I have found freedom!

~Kiara

The church's criticism in this story is unfortunately not an uncommon occurrence but thankfully with more domestic violence awareness and education this view is changing. I believe w/all my heart that God would not want us to stay in a relationship like the one above. In the next couple of posts, I will address this issue. Thanks for reading and please share this story.

XOXO,

Lavender                                                                                                                                                  

Sexual Assault Myths

 Sexual Assault is unfortunately an all too common and vastly underreported crime. Statistics show 1 in 3 women will be raped in their lifetimes (The YWCA Rape Crisis Center of Santa Clara Valley and the YWCA of the Mid-Peninsula)

This statistic is both scary and sobering, and it reveals the prevalence of this horrific problem. The worst part is its not even strangers perpetrating these crimes; its acquaintances, friends, boyfriends, even husbands (see stats below)! And yes there is such a thing as rape in a marriage. However, the topic deserves far more discussion than I can give it right now and will be discussed in a later post. For now I thought I'd expose the varying myths surrounding this devastating crime. I'm sure not all are covered below and know some are covered twice due to the importance I've put on them and coming across them twice. Please read and share. And stay safe.

XOXO,

Lavender Skye

 

Sexual assault defined:

any unwanted physical contact of a sexual nature that occurs without consent from both individuals or under threat or coercion. Whether by an acquaintance or by a stranger, sexual assault can occur either forcibly and/or against a person's will, or when a person is incapable of giving consent.
By law, sexual assault includes but is not limited to rape, forcible sodomy, forcible oral copulation, sexual assault with an object, sexual battery, forcible fondling (e.g., unwanted touching or kissing for purposes of sexual gratification), or threat of sexual assault.

A person is legally incapable of giving consent if under 18 years of age, intoxicated by drugs and/or alcohol, developmentally disabled, or mentally or physically unable to do so.*

Common Myths and Facts of Rape:

Myth: Rape has to do with sex and passion.*
Reality: Rape has to do with interpersonal violence.

MYTH: Sexual assault is a crime of passion and lust.**
FACT: Sexual assault is a crime of violence. Assailants seek to dominate, humiliate and punish their victims.

Myth: Only women are sexually assaulted or raped, and only by men.*
Reality: Both men and women can be sexually assaulted or raped, and assailants can be male or female with any sexual orientation.

MYTH: It is impossible to sexually assault a man.**
FACT: Men fall victim for the same reasons as women: they are overwhelmed by threats or acts of physical and emotional violence. Also, most sexual assaults that involve an adult male victim are gang assaults.
 

Myth: Someone who was drinking or drunk when sexually assaulted is at least partially to blame.*
Reality: Sexual assault survivors are never responsible for the attack, no matter what, no matter how much alcohol was consumed. Responsibility lies with the perpetrator; the survivor is never responsible for the assailant's behavior. Alcohol may increase the risk of sexual assault, and may make someone incapable of giving consent or protecting themselves, but it is not the cause of the assault.

MYTH: Persons who dress or act in a "sexy" way are asking to be sexually assaulted.**
FACT: Many convicted sexual assailants are unable to remember what their victims looked like or were wearing. Nothing a person does or does not do causes a brutal crime like sexual assault.
 

Myth: It's not rape if the couple is dating or is married.*

Reality: Unwanted sexual activity in any relationship qualifies as sexual assault.

MYTH: It is impossible for a husband to sexually assault his wife.**
FACT: Regardless of marital or social relationship, if a woman does not consent to sexual activity, she is being sexually assaulted. In fact, 14% of women are victims of rape committed by their husband.

Myth: Most victims are raped by strangers, in unfamiliar places or on dark nights.*
Reality: It is estimated that 80-85% of rapists are known to the adult they attack. "Acquaintance rape" by a friend, new acquaintance, or coworker is frequent, particularly among young, single women. Statistics show that 50% of sexual assaults occur in or around a woman's home, 50% during the day.

MYTH: Assailants are usually crazed psychopaths who do not know their victims.**
FACT: As many as 80% of all assaults involve acquaintances. An assailant might be someone you know intimately. He may be a coworker, a friend or a family member.
 

Myth: Women often falsely accuse men of sexual assault or rape (for example, to get back at them, or because they regret or feel guilty about having sex).*
Reality: Nearly all rapes are truthfully reported, and, in fact, rapes are vastly underreported.

MYTH: Many women claim that they have been sexually assaulted because they want revenge upon the man they accuse.**
FACT: Only 4-6% of sexual assault cases are based on false accusation. This percentage of unsubstantiated cases is the same as with many other
reported crimes.

  

Myth: Rapists have psychological problems.*
Reality: Most assailants are males with no history of mental disorder.

Myth: Perpetrators of sexual assault come largely from certain races or backgrounds.*
Reality: Men and women of all races, ethnicities, ages, sexual orientations, economic and social classes are represented among assailants.

 
MYTH: In most cases, black men attack white women.**
FACT: In most sexual assault cases, the assailant and his victim are of the same racial background.

Myth: Only young women are at risk.*
Reality: Women of all ages are at risk, and 1 in 4 women will be assaulted in the course of her lifetime.

  

MYTH: Only young, pretty women are assaulted.**
FACT: Survivors range in age from infancy to old age, and their appearance is seldom a consideration. Assailants often choose victims who seem most vulnerable to attack: old persons, children, physically or emotionally disabled persons, substance abusers, and street persons. Men are also attacked.

 

Myth: If the victim didn't fight or try to run away, or there was no weapon or injuries sustained, rape did not occur.*
Reality: Threats of violence are a weapon, and a woman may not resist vigorously for fear of injury or death

MYTH: Gang rape is rare.**
FACT: In 43% of all reported cases, more than one assailant was involved.

MYTH: A person who has really been assaulted will be hysterical.**
FACT: Survivors exhibit a spectrum of emotional responses to assault: calm, hysteria, laughter, anger, apathy, shock. Each survivor copes with the trauma of the assault in a different way.

MYTH: Sexual assault is an impulsive act.**
FACT: Seventy-five percent of all assaults are planned in advance. When three or more assailants are involved, 90% are planned. If two assailants are involved, 83% are planned. With one assailant, 58% are planned.

MYTH: As long as children remember to stay away from strangers, they are in no danger of being assaulted.**
FACT: Sadly, children are usually assaulted by acquaintances, a family member or other caretaking adult. Children are usually coerced into sexual activity by their assailant, and are manipulated into silence by the assailant's threats and/or promises, as well as their own feelings of guilt.

* http://www.stanford.edu/group/svab/myths.shtml.

** http://www.voicesandfaces.org/rape.asp