Are we Nobody?

I'm Nobody! Who are you? 

by Emily Dickinson

I'm Nobody! Who are you?

Are you – Nobody – too?

Then there's a pair of us!

Don't tell! they'd advertise – you know!

How dreary – to be – Somebody!

How public – like a Frog – 

To tell one's name – the livelong June – 

To an admiring Bog!

This has always been one of my favorite poems from the day I first read it in high school. I think it was 9th grade. Why? Because I could relate so well to it as I believe many abuse victims can b/c that’s what we’ve been told and how we’ve been treated by our family, significant other, partner, husband/wife, etc.

I’ve actually been told by a male “friend” of mine that strong (meaning emotionally) women don’t become victims of abuse b/c they know better than let themselves be treated like that. And herein lies the problem w/that false assumption – not only does it re-victimize the victim or survivor but it also lays all the blame on her instead of the abuser. A victim doesn’t choose to be a victim nor do they know what they’re getting into at the beginning of a relationship. Whereas an abuser chooses to abuse and knows exactly what he’s getting into when he enters into a relationship. He or she is not looking for love but control. The full responsibility of the abuse lies on the shoulders of the abuser. The victim is never to blame.

Why is the victim absolved of all responsibility? Simply put, she is manipulated from the very start and soon becomes entangled in the abusers web of manipulation, lies, and abuse without realizing it until its too late and she’s already caught in the spider’s web. And this isn’t a small, friendly spider. It’s a predatory one worse even than a black widow. At least the black widow has a well recognized warning mark. The abuser has no such mark that is well recognized except by those who already know the red flags and don’t brush them off as we tend to do b/c we want to think good of people, especially people we like and have begun to trust.

Trust is at the root of any good, long term relationship so in order to get a victim to commit, an abuser has to establish trust. This isn’t hard b/c he poses as a nice guy and wears a mask in public. There’s a reason people don’t want to believe a victim, and that is b/c the abuser is so good at acting. And this is the same act they pull on a victim. It’s been compared to the Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde character. He is Dr Jekyll, the nice, charming, intelligent man and then once a victim is hooked, Mr Hyde, the evil, cruel man comes out. Abusers are very adept at the “Prince Charming” routine, and most women dream about their “Prince Charming” so when they find him they fall head over heels for him and feel like they’re living a dream.

For women who have come from an abusive home life its even easier to fall into this trap b/c many times they are looking for a way to escape and this seemingly perfect man offers that. My ex-fiance told me he would never hurt me and would protect me and keep me safe and I believed him even after he hurt me b/c I was so desperate to find a man to love me and, he acted like he did. He was sorry when he hurt me until I started “overreacting” and being “too sensitive.” Even emotionally strong women dream of finding Prince Charming and so they get involved w/an abuser and fall into his trap before they see it for what it really is.

Whether abuse victims start out as women w/a healthy, strong sense of self-worth or as shy, vulnerable women w/no sense of self-worth the end result is the same: all feel like a “nobody” once they are caught in the clutches of an abuser. In order for an abuser to control his victim he must first isolate her and destroy any sense of self she may have had through the use of lies and manipulation. It is exceptionally difficult to realize how bad of a situation you’re in and see yourself as being worthy of a better relationship w/a man who will treat you as you deserve when you don’t think you deserve or can do any better than the man you fell in love with. Hence why we need to focus on building up a victim or survivor’s sense of self- to help them out of the darkness and prevent them falling into another abusive relationship.

We (victims and survivors both) are NOT nobody. We are somebody worthy of love, respect, and kindness. Learn to love yourself and defeat the “I’m nobody” attitude. We all are loveable because we don’t seek to destroy other people. Otherwise we would never have been victims in the 1^st place.

XOXOXO,

Lavender