Nightmares

I am keeping this post anonymous but it is a true story written by a survivor in her own words. She is a wonderful, strong woman who I've had the pleasure of meeting and talking to through an online support group.

XOXOXO,

Lavender 

This is my nightmare......

It started when i was about 15. I met  him through a friend. His eyes sparkled and his smile radiated. He wasn't that great looking, but to me he was beautiful. We met and it was  instant love. I felt whole around him. I felt alive. He was into a lot of bad things but I was young and just wanted him to be happy and love me the way I loved him. I followed him everywhere he went and stood beside him what ever he did. By 16 years old I was running drugs with him. The same years I began being his partner in crime I was arrested. I was sent to rehab for 8 months to get out of trouble I was in getting caught with a lot of marijuana. Needless to say he left me when I was 17, still in the rehab. I shed more tears in a week that I have ever shed in my life up to this point. I lost what I thought was my best friend, my love, my soul mate. I know it's silly looking back now but at 15,16, 17 years old we all feel like every boyfriend he had was the one. I got out of the rehab and was sent to a group home. While I was there I got back in contact with him. The feelings came rushing back and hit my heart like a rip tide. He would make promises to come seen me and to take me away. He swore he would save me as soon as I turned 18 and we would never be apart. My foster father forbid me from speaking to him. My foster parents were not very happy with the fact after every call, every chat online, after every e-mail I would rush to my room and cry non stop. I didn't under stand why he would make these empty promises. If I only knew what I know now.....

Fast forward one failed marriage and a beautiful daughter later. I got a phone call from a strange number. I knew who it was the moment I heard him say "well hello there". My heart hit the floor right beside my jaw. This call began a horrid chapter in my life. We began to speak to each other every couple of days. Soon after I first heard from him I moved back to FL. I decided to go see him and his family the same day I got to FL. I couldn't wait to see the man he had turned into. I arrived at his mother's home. I lost my heart again that day. He stole it right out of my chest. He played with my daughter , we talked of old times , and about the stupid things we did as children. I was trapped before I even knew it. He was almost exactly how I remembered him, but for some reason he seemed even more beautiful then he did when we were growing up together. We moved in together shortly after my arrival. He was staying with his mother and step father- he had just got out of jail serving a 8 month sentence for all sorts of crimes.  Everything was great for awhile. ( I wish I had known about red flags back then)

One day I made him mad over something so small I really don't remember what it was. He began throwing my belongings out of a window along with my 2 year old daughter's bed and toys. I begged him to stop. I still remember watching him throw the items out the window. I looked at him and for a split second I thought to myself to run. Alas, I did not. This would prove to be the worst mistake of my life. I calmly walked up to him and touched his arm and asked him to stop. He jerked around and slapped me across the face and pushed me down onto a metal doll stroller, my stomach landing right in the handle. I was in shock. I crawled my way over to the closet and pulled myself inside, cowering into the tiny corner. I couldn't scream, I couldn't cry I was just frozen. He then made his way to the closet sitting on the floor and began to cry begging me for forgiveness. Only then did the tears find their way down my red cheeks.He said he was sorry and  it would never ever happen again.

I almost immediately  began cramping and running a fever. Two days later I woke to find myself bleeding heavily and in the worst pain I had ever felt physically.  He refused to take me to the er. I  was rushed to the hospital by his mother only to find I was losing a child I had no idea I was even pregnant with.  His mother told him the news and he simply replied "OK". The doctors began asking questions "Is there a history of domestic violence in your home?" I didn't reply for what seemed like 5 mins. Then slowly I said no. "have you suffered any physical trauma in the last week? Have you fallen or been under a lot of stress?" I couldn't speak. I only shook my head no. I was taken care of and released. I knew what he had done.  I went home to him and layed on the couch for 5 days drugged out of my mind, in such physical pain and mental turmoil. We never once discussed what had happened. After I recovered we went along with life like it had never happened. I held a grudge knowing he had murdered a innocent soul that would never be able to grace us with it's presence due to his lack of control.

The abuse continued for sometime... escalating  slowly at first. It was name calling played off as a joke. Covertly controlling my money, making comments about my friends he didn't like me speaking with, going with me every place I would go and listening to my phone conversations. Eventually we moved into our own place. This is where I almost met my end.

The physical abuse escalated to a point where I was in fear everyday. I woke up extra early to get my daughter to school early, so I would have extra time during the day to clean up the mess he had made the night before with his drinking and  druggin with all his buddies.  Dinner had to be ready at 6pm sharp, house cleaned, cloths layed out for his shower,laundry done, my hair and make up done and dressed correctly. If something was out of order I knew my head would be slammed into the wall when he walked in the door.

He would hit me for any small reason. Bitch was my name. For awhile I thought no one knew my God given name, he and his friends would call me bitch. So many nights I was thrown into walls, had my head slammed into them or into the floor. I was thrown across rooms. As if I could fly I sailed from one side to the other never touching the ground. He like to tear on my clothing with his bare hands. Cut up my boots and shoes with no second thought. I remember one time I was on my knees rocking my then 2 year old little girl back and forth crying in her poor little ear. He hovered over us screaming at me to stop crying like a baby as he broke my collection of dolphins and snow globes one by one, taunting me the whole way. I remember his words as if he's speaking to me now. "Who bought this one for you-oh that's right your fucking dead great grandmother left these for you when the hag died". "oh your mom got this for you when you graduated high school -right? answer me bitch" slam. shatter. Tears.

The police were called when the neighbors would hear me scream. i always covered for him using one excuse or another. the pit bull we owned had attacked my favorite cat. I fell down the steps - tha'ts how I broke the vertebra in my back- i fall down these damn steps a lot. I finally got to the point when the police would come I would tell them I wanted to leave , but he never ever put a hand on me- he would never do such a thing! (HA) I would leave for the night , but in the morning I was told to return home. I did as I was told. I was a good girl. I always did what I was told.

Eventually I received permission to speak to one of my friends. This did not turn out well in the long run. I would call her over to collect my daughter when I knew i was going to receive a beating. She would also come over and clean my wounds and help clean the house up after a fight. He would sit on the couch  drinking his beer, smoking his pot, and enjoy the dinner I cooked for him, as my friend and I would clean in dead un- nerving  silence, or his favorite- acting like nothing had happened. He grew mad after awhile I had such a friend so he tried to attack her as well, he threw gatorade bottles at her head. Eventually he cut me off from her. She had become a liability to him.

He left me often, normally on fridays, when he would get paid. He would return on Mondays claiming he wanted to work things out for the better. False promises of no more abuse, counseling and anger management were a regular.

I found out I was pregnant. Stupidly I thought this would make him stop. We never did anything to control pregnancy. In the back of my mind I always wanted to secretly get birth control but I was to frighten he would find out. He wanted a child, a son, more then anything in the world. A little "mini me" as he would say. He left me when I was three months along only to return because he though I had a black man in my house I was sleeping with. He is and was totally against white people and black being together. Really he is against anything but whites with whites. He came back to our home smelled as if he had been drinking all day. He threw me around the house. Threw me stomach first into a chair choked me and slammed me into the couch. he kicked me square in my butt while I was on the floor. I was in serious fear for my life. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife. He grabbed it from me cutting his hand and put the knife to my throat threatening to end my life and the life of his unborn child. there was no fear in this demon that had replaced my lover, my friend, my soul mate, my life. . The once beautiful eyes I adored had become cold and black. this was the first time I had really looked at his eyes in months. I shook with fear. I was scared to the point i urinated on myself.  Oddly enough I think pissing on myself saved my life. He let go of me and I ran to the bathroom with my cell phone I had recovered from him and dialed 911. He managed to call my mother and tell her he had finally got me. She thought I was dead. he hung up and called 911 and told them I had stabbed him unprovoked. Needless to say I was on the phone with 911 screaming he's going to kill me he has a gun. The 9 mil was hidden in a stolen trailer in the front yard where he now stood. The police came and arrested me. My first ever time in trouble. Aggravated battery with a deadly weapon. ! to 5 in the pen. i was in jail for about 24 hours. I was in a cage but I was so free. i did not shed one single tear. i ate  what was a damn good meal to me, my first meal free. I knew this was it, there was no going back.... or so I thought.

i was released with a no contact order. I moved; I got all my belongings from the home we shared. the home I had so many dreams focused on. I held my belly and spoke to my unborn child asking for his forgiveness for not leaving sooner. I held my little girls hand and we walked away. I looked back only once, long enough to see the tears streaming down his face... I look for what seemed to be a lifetime and I simply smiled and shot him the bird.

The next few months proved to be very difficult for me. My belly was growing bigger, but my heart shrank up and died. I lost 30 pounds, I was facing years in prison, losing both my children, I couldn't eat, I couldn't focus, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. In time the charges against me where dropped. I could breathe again, but only for a moment. I made a dumb mistake I can never ever take back. I called him the day the no contact order was lifted.  He spoke to me so kindly, asking for forgiveness and he had seen the error of his ways. Like a fool I believed him. We started visiting each other. Things seemed different. He held doors open for me, he held my hand, he cried with me, he laughed with me and he made me feel that same feeling I had felt so many years ago at the tender age of 15. I moved back in with him when I was about 7 months along with my beautiful little boy.

Needless to say things changed again. The abuse started again. He made me do thing I didn't want to do. He took away all my friends, turned my family against me, took over my money, called me fat everyday... I was 8 months pregnant! The only thing he wasn't doing was hitting me. We got into a huge fight Sept 5th. I begain having contractions as he was throwing things around the house. I told him I thought I was going into labor and he called me a liar. I begged him to take me to the hospital. he refused and told me he wasn't going to waste his time doing shit for me. I grabbed my keys and jumped into my car. I knew something wasn't right. I had went into labor when I was 6 months and was on the pills to stop it, along with shots to prolong the birth.  The contractions were coming to fast, to strong, I couldn't drive. I knew if I called 911 to come get me I would be in for it later. I called him from inside my car and begged him. He still refused. It took 3 of his drinking buddies to convince him to take me. Even they, at this point , said he was taking things to a level that was out of control. I was in the hospital for 3 days waiting for my baby to come. There were complications and bumps the entire 3 days. he complained about being there... left me alone for hours to go have a drink and to get high. On Sept 8th 2011 I welcomed my 8pnd 3oz bruised purple faced little boy. He didn't cry at first.. I stopped breathing and my ex stood there with a shocked look. He then reached into his pocket to pick up with vibrating cell phone "hello? oh man I can't deliver it to you now, how much did you want? a quarter? ( for those of you who don't know this a amount of marijuana) well my son was just born like literally... I haven't even cut the cord yet, hes not crying so these people r doing something to him, ill call you back in about ten mins" I heard my son cry and my ex cut the cord. After everything was said and done my ex kissed me goodbye and went to smoke a cigg.... he returned 3 hours later with his drunk buddy and I knew something was wrong. He had gotten a written arrest for driving my car with a suspended dl and a pot pipe in my car.....

Almost as soon as we got home the physical violence picked back up to it's normal. Kinda like a dog that pissed on the floor I was pulled through the house by my hair and shown what I forgot to do or something I didn't clean as well as he like. I had my face shoved into the corner I forgot to scrub. I was pulled around choked...beatings with no mercy what so ever. Of course this was all my fault, if i would have just done what I was told he wouldn't have to do this to me. He loved me, he wanted to make me his wife. We were going to live happily ever after if i could just get it right (*note my sarcasm)

He came home from work one very faithful day, pissed beyond belief because I had changed some plans. I was being a whore and a slut not to mention a bitch. I sat on the couch holding my son as he threw my cloths out the door. I wasn't fighting him today, i didn't have the energy to fight today. I thought i was safe at least for the moment, from the beating I knew I would get. He was extra pissed today. I picked myself off the couch walked grabbed my keys and phone and started to walk out the front door. Thank God almighty that my daughter was visiting her father this day. He grabbed me and threw me to the floor with my baby in my arms. Something clicked in my soul that moment I had seen my 2 month old on the floor. enough was enough. Hell's fury I know, was beaming from my eyes. laying on the floor I kicked that asshole right between the eyes and grabbed my son and ran for a side door. He was too quick grabbed me and threw me to the bed. pounding into the back of my head, jumping on me, hitting my baby in the forehead.. Stealing my newborn from my safe protective arms, he layed my son next to me and began to beat my face into the bed holding it down trying to smother me....( honestly I didn't remember the choking til just recently I think I blocked it out.)  I fought for my life. I would manage a quick breath only to get it knock out of my when my head would slammed to the wall next to our bed. Again and again and again. My quick breathing kept me from seeing the blackness. I fought hard not to black out. This was my life on the line, this was my sons life. God knows what he would have done if i let myself slip into the darkness that was slowing creeping up on me. he held my arms down, crossed my legs and he even at one point tried to kiss me... uh wtf ? I managed to break free... that was GOD. I know that for a fact. I grabbed my baby and ran for the back door... opened it got to the first step... freedom. . . run- run as fast as you have ever ran... i stepped for the second step only to feel the tug on the back of my shirt. I hear my favorite yellow and white spaghetti strap  shirt rip down the back.... oh shit.

I was pulled inside and  thrown into the back bedroom door. I was pinned. I remember hoping he didn't have enough time to grab the 25 from the closet. he once again pryed my son from my arms and raised his foot to stomp my face. I looked him dead in the eyes. yes, I refused to go out with out looking into the devils eyes. I told him I'm not scared anymore and covered my head... he froze. he picked me up threw me into the bathroom ripping my shirt totally off and gave me my son back.  he kept us locked in there for 15 mins maybe 30; time stood still for me as i sat topless on the toilet holding my screaming son. i convinced him i wouldn't tell i wouldn't call the cops.... he finally let us out and he left. he left for almost 2 weeks, left me with no diapers, no food, no money, he stole my last 130 bucks in effort to keep me from leaving.. I begged him for the 2 weeks to bring me diapers n what not. he refused.

I was done. I waited about a week or so til i thought things were cooled off and I for sure knew his whereabouts. I had a yard sale and sold everything I have, everything my kids had... I packed up my altima and drove away. I got a PO on him and now we are fighting it out with custody and all the odds n ins that go with that.

I am free now. I still have nightmares, I can't sleep in my bed. I still watch everywhere I go. I keep my alarm on even when I'm home. I catch myself seeing him when he isn't really there. I hear his voice in the back of my mind telling me I'll never make it. I feel alone alot. I feel quilt and shame. I'm just like everyone else that has been abused. I'll tell you this much, my friends, my sisters and brothers.. I AM FREE  I'M ALIVE AND THANK GOD ALMIGHTY SO ARE MY CHILDREN. I will never make the same mistake. i will never risk my life or the lives of my children ever again. You live and you learn, you grow and you become stronger.

For those of you still in a abusive relationship please please get out as soon as you can. I'm a living (thank god) testimony that these people do not change. it only gets worse. This isn't even my whole story these are just tidbits of the every day hell I lived for so many years.

Thank you all for taking the time to read my novel lol. It is time for me to let it all out. My wings are no longer tied up... I cut the strings away and it is time for me to soar...