Domestic Violence Myths & Facts

Domestic violence is a very real danger to thousands of women AND men. 1 in 4 women and 1 in 11 men are victims of domestic violence in their lifetimes. This is a very high ratio that shocked even me. Its a silent crime b/c no one talks about it or wants to "get involved." It is NOT "between them" or a "family problem." It is a societal problem. It not only affects the victim but her family, friends, and neighbors as well as random people who may witness the violence if/when it happens out in public. I have personally witnessed a man push his girlfriend or wife and then chase her down the street and grab her, yelling at her. I don't remember how old I was but I was probably in late elementary or early middle school. I'd been a witness to domestic violence before but never b/w someone other than my parents and even that never happened in public. Looking back I should've called the police, and I had thought about it but didn't. There was also an incident a few years ago my friend saw after going to my car to wait for me to finish shopping at the mall. She told me she saw a man hit his girlfriend in the next car. They were arguing  when it happened, and she thought about calling the police but the couple got out of the car and left before she could. Domestic violence is all around us, but we choose to be blind to it. We make excuses such as "they look like they made up" or  "maybe it was an accident." And the whole "I fell down the stairs excuse" is probably the most commonly overused cover up a victim can use because people still believe it. After all, how many of us have never tripped or fallen a set of stairs at some point?                                                                                                                            

                                                                                                                                                  

Makeup, long sleeves, long pants, sunglasses all hide the marks and bruises. Think about a woman who wears a sweater  when its too hot. She's probably hiding something. It's one thing to carry a sweater in case she gets cold inside a restaurant, etc (I used to all the time and still do most times) but quite another to be wearing it in warm weather. I know I used to  worry about wearing spaghetti strap tops after my dad left bruises on my arms. I only wore them in hopes someone would notice but no one ever did or, if they did, never asked about them. Even it the sweater isn't hiding bruises it could be hiding something else. I remember wearing a zip up sweatshirt over a really pretty tube top on one warm summer day to "surprise" my boyfriend/ex fiance at the time by going up to his place of work near the time he got off work. Well , normally I would've worn the tube top w/out a coverup both b/c of how warm it was and because it looked really good on me, but I had been told by my boyfriend to never wear it without him after he bought it for me. He didn't want other men looking at me unless he was around and that top would definitely draw attention. And so I wore the sweatshirt to "hide" my body and still got in trouble b/c I had worn it out; it didn't matter that it was only on the way to see him or that it was covered up. That's an example of "hiding" something other than bruises.

                                                                                                                                                      

Domestic violence is NOT an accident, a family problem, a "one time" incident, none of your business, or OK AT ALL. 

XOXOXO,

Lavender Skye 

                                                                                                                                                        

Following are a few domestic violence myths and the actual facts from http://www.bu.edu/police/prevention/domestic_violence_myth.htm.

Myth: When a couple is having a domestic violence problem, it is just that they have a bad relationship. Often, it's poor communication that is the problem.

Fact: Bad relationships do not result in or cause domestic violence. The idea that bad relationships cause violence in the home is one of the most common, and dangerous, misconceptions about domestic violence. First, it encourages all parties involved - including and especially the victim- to minimize the seriousness of the problem and focus their energies on "improving the relationship" in the false hope that this will stop the violence. It also allows the abuser to blame the bad relationship and the violence itself on the victim, rather than acknowledging his/her own responsibility.

More importantly, improving the relationship is not likely by itself to end the violence. Violence is learned behavior. Many couples have had bad relationships yet never become physically violent. Many batterers are violent in every one of their relationships, whether they consider them bad or good. The violent individual is the sole source and cause of the violence, and neither his/her partner nor their relationship should be held responsible.

Myth: Most domestic violence incidents are caused by alcohol or drug abuse.

Fact: Many people have alcohol and/or drug problems but are not violent, similarly, many batterers are not substance abusers. How people behave when they are "under the influence" of alcohol and/or drugs depends on a complex combination of personal, social, physical and emotional factors. And like many other types of behavior, alcohol or drug-affected behavior patterns are culturally learned.

It is often easier to blame an alcohol or drug abuse problem than to admit that you or your partner is violent even when sober. Episodes of problem drinking and incidents of domestic violence often occur separately and must be treated as two distinct issues. Neither alcoholism nor drugs can explain or excuse domestic violence.

Myth: Domestic violence is often triggered by stress, for example, the loss of a job or some financial or marital problem.

Fact: Daily life is full of frustration associated with money and work, our families and other personal relationships. Everyone experiences stress, and everyone responds to it differently.

Violence is a specific learned and chosen response to stress, whether real or imagined. Certainly, high general levels of domestic violence can be related to social problems such as unemployment, however, other reactions to such situations are equally possible. Some people take out their frustrations on themselves with drug or alcohol, some take it out on others with verbal or physical abuse.

Myth: Most domestic violence occurs in lower class or minority communities.

Fact: Domestic violence occurs at all levels of society, regardless of their social, economic, racial or cultural backgrounds.

Researchers and service providers have found, however, that economic and social factors can have a significant impact on how people respond to violent incidents and what kind of help they seek. Affluent people can usually afford private help - doctors, lawyers and counselors while people with fewer financial resources (i.e., those belonging to a lower economic class or a minority group) tend to call the police or other public agencies. These agencies are often the only available source of statistics on domestic violence, and consequently, lower class and minority communities tend to be overrepresented in those figures, creating a distorted image of the problem.

Myth: The victim did something to provoke the violence.

Fact: No one deserves to be beaten, battered, threatened or in any way victimized by violence. Batterers will rarely admit that they are the cause of the problem. In fact, putting the blame for the violence on the victim is a way to manipulate the victim and other people. Batterers will tell the victim, "You made me mad" or "You made me jealous" or will try to shift the burden by saying "Everyone acts like that." Most victims try to placate and please their abusive partners in order to deescalate the violence. The batterer chooses to abuse, and bears full responsibility for the violence.

Myth: Most batterers simply lose control during violent incidents and do not know what they're doing.

Fact: If batterers were truly out of control, as many claim to be during violent incidents, there would be many more domestic violence homicides. In fact, many batterers do "control" their violence, abusing their victims in less visible places on their bodies, such as under the hairline or on the torso. Furthermore, researchers have found that domestic violence often occurs in cycles, and every episode is preceded by a predictable, repeated pattern of behavior and decisions made by the batterer.

Myth: Men are victims of domestic violence as often as women, even if they aren't reported.

Fact: The bottom line is that domestic violence is a crime -- regardless of the gender of the abuser or the victim and regardless of whether it is a heterosexual or same-sex relationship. Data from the FBI and the Bureau of Justice Statistics show that 85% of victims of intimate partner violence (IPV) are women. Acknowledging this indisputable fact does not negate our concern for the men who comprise the remaining 15% of IPV victims.

Myth: Domestic violence is a less serious problem - less lethal - than "real" violence, like street crimes.

Fact: It is a terrible and unrecognized fact that for many people, home is the least safe place. Domestic violence accounts for a significant proportion of all serious crimes - aggravated assault, rape and homicide. Furthermore, when compared with stranger-to-stranger crime, rate of occurrence and levels of severity are still under reported for domestic violence.