Part of my Story

The Nightmare Begins

Note: There is some sexually explicit material in this as it is completely based on my own story and due to the nature of domestic violence and the abuse I suffered at the hands of this monster who said he loved me there was some sexual abuse that went on. 

 

It began simple enough. They never hung out w/friends, and when he went to church w/her his arm was around her the entire time. A guy she had known who used to lead praise and worship in youth group talked to her in Sunday school, and JC made a comment after the fact to the effect of Jessie was sitting too close and paying way too much attention to them esp her (Jessie was happily married). JC also sat isolated from the rest of the Sunday school class and kept her there as well. She thought he was just uncomfortable b/c he didn't know anyone (but then he didn't want to meet them either oddly enough). He never wanted to hang out w/his friends, and they hung out alone together a lot. Then came the you look beautiful w/out makeup so why do you have to wear it all the time as they were on their way to get their photos done. He would continually say this in a way that made her feel he thought she was beautiful enough w/out makeup so she shouldn't have to wear it but she did anyway b/c she liked it and had always worn it since middle school. He liked when she wore it when they first met so she didn't see why that should change.

Then came the real issues. She was a virgin through and through. She had never done more than french kiss, and he knew this. She had made it clear she didn't want to do any more than that until she was married. One day he took her to his house to "eat his mom's leftovers for lunch" (he was Italian and his mom made homeade Italian food- yum), but no one was home. She mentioned this to him and he made it seem ok, not like it was a big deal anyway. So she went w/it. They were engaged after all, and he had already told her he would never do anything to hurt her. And so they ate and he decided he wanted to watch a movie & they could lie down and be more comfortable in his bedroom.

"Little Nicky" was put on and they cuddled up under the covers together since it was cold. It didn't take long for them to start making out & she let things go further than she wanted them to. He cupped one breast then another in his hands and when she tried to push him away he said "you know you like it" and proceeded to kiss her again and move his hands back there. She didn't say anything only b/c they were engaged and she didn't wanna lose him.

From that day forward he kept pushing her a little further until they were both in just their underwear and he penetrated her w/his finger, which hurt her and so she pushed his hand away and when he tried again she was more forceful and said stop. That time he was all upset and feeling guilty b/c it had hurt her (she couldn't even get a tampon in there). He was so sorry. He would never do it again. He didn't mean to hurt her. She was holding him telling him it was ok. Then there was the next time. He got mad. If this hurts no wonder you can't use tampons. It doesn't hurt, and he proceeded to penetrate her w/his finger against her wishes until it did start feeling good to her. But that didn't happen til long after she stopped saying no and let him b/c she didnt want to make him mad and hate her.

She could never go back again once these boundaries were crossed. Sure, she felt guilty. She had let down God and herself. She let a man touch her in ways only a husband should touch his wife. But they were getting married and it was an easy enough jump to assume it was ok. Its not like they were ever gonna be apart. Neither of them wanted that. She still felt safe and was under the delusion he loved her and she could never get a better man if she tried.

And so Christmas break ended and she went back to school 14 hrs away in TN. She hated going back but loved it at the same time. She had chosen to go there to escape her family life but now she had a reason to stay in FL and he was her fiance. Though she had to admit she was kinda glad to get away from him for a while too. She had friends to hang out w/at school and he wouldn't be around to be all over her all the time and take all her time to himself. She didn't get to spend as much time as she had wanted w/her mother or alone but she wouldn't be doing stuff like that once she was married anyway. They would be together 24/7 unless one was at work.

She was happy at school, and free again to do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted w/whoever she wanted. Or so she thought. The lovely idea of email and AOL IM became his way of controlling her. They would send each other e-cards that eventually got out of hand w/the number she received. If she was out w/friends he would get mad that she wasnt in her dorm chatting w/him via AIM or on the phone. And she eventually would start staying alone in her room just to talk to him even on weekends. She couldn't go anywhere w/out it starting an argument esp if other guys were involved. Guilt trips became an everyday thing so much so that her roommate got fed up w/it and wouldn't let her have the phone when he called a few times b/c she wanted to do something w/her like go swing dancing. Swing dancing of course was a big no no b/c she would have to partner up w/a guy and so she never got to go for fear of him finding out and yelling at her that she didn't care about him or love him. He wanted her all to himself b/c he cared so much about her and she should want the same. Then came the "I have no friends, no one to hang out with down here" line. She was trapped and wasn't even living in the same state as her fiance. Yet she never realized exactly how trapped she was until he came to visit w/her parents for family weekend.

Family weekend came at Milligan. She was super excited b/c JC was coming w/her parents and all her friends would get to meet him. She ran downstairs w/her best friend at the time to introduce her, and hug her mother who she missed dearly. Before she got down the last step though JC was already hugging her in a great big bear hug and not letting go for a good long while. She finally freed herself to go hug her mom who she had wanted to hug first and gave her a long hug but shorter than she had wanted b/c he was there waiting to grasp her in his arms again. She was finally able to introduce Haley before Haley went back upstairs. It was only later she found out Haley wasn't comfortable around him that she left so fast. The next day was the Dean's List Ceremony, which she had made and so she wore a dress that ended up being too chilly to wear, and was forced to put on JC's jacket afterwards as they headed down to the following reception. The whole time he kept his arm around her and she had to slip from underneath it to hug professors and introduce them. Then came an informational meeting about the humanities tour to Europe. Her speech professor (a male) was one of the leaders and hugged her as they went into the meeting. She could feel the tension as JC watched this very innocent hug b/w a professor and student. It was after the meeting the real JC came out. He didnt want her to go away for a month to Europe even if it was for school, and if she loved him she wouldnt go. He would kill himself if she went and he had to spend that time w/out her. He didnt know what he would do w/her so far away and for a whole extra month after school let out for the summer. She didn't know what to do other than comfort him n tell him he would be fine. She had always wanted to go to Europe and this was a great opportunity. Didn't he care about that? Yes he cared but they could go to Europe together someday. She didn't have to go w/her school.

That night they went out to dinner w/her roommate, Amber, and their families. JC didn't want to pray when they said grace and whispered to her it was stupid and he didn't believe in praying but they did anyway w/him opting out of participating. She felt embarrassed and uncomfortable b/c even her dad who NEVER prayed bowed his head. She was hurt he didn't wanna pray after he had told her he wanted to become a christian and had gone to church w/her to show her how serious he was about converting. They even had to skip church the next day b/c they shared a bed in her parents hotel room and he had kept hr up most of the night making her turn around & cuddle w/him facing him instead of allowing her to get comfortable & sleep b/c he couldn't sleep w/out her facing him and holding each other.

Well the weekend was at an end and she was relieved he was leaving but very sad her parents were b/c her mother was going and she hadn't had any of the time she had wanted w/her.

The next few days came along w/her friends and professors poor opinions w/some concern about her relationship. She acted different when he was around like she was walking on eggshells. He was very possesive and kept her at his side like he owned her and one professor could tell from the way she stood w/him that she was afraid of doing or saying something that would upset him. Even the way she hugged this professor (who was female) told her that her student was afraid. She could tell she had felt relieved to hug her and get away from him for a brief second.

Then the last straw. He had gone up to her speech professor after the meeting that weekend and told him she wasnt going and he was going to stop her. Then after class the professor gave her a hug and said something to the effect of "I'm here if you want to talk. I don't know you well so I'm not going to tell you I think you should break up but I am worried about you and want you to re-examine this further"

And so that night came the tearful and heart wrenching 2 hour breakup. He never said that to her professor, he loved her, he cant live without her, doesn't she love him too, how could she do this? Finally she hung up and talked to a friend then her mother called before she even got a chance to call her. JC was over there "playing the violin" to her mother. He had a knife and was holding it up to his wrist threatening to kill himself. What was worse is her mom was playing right into it and siding w/him to give him another chance! Well he didn't kill himself but instead tried the poor me routine w/her friends by IMing them. He tried calling her too. She was hurting and heartbroken and he was trying to play on those emotions to get her back. She did love him but she couldn't deal w/his overbearing need for control and his total disregard for her feelings anymore. Just a couple days before he had told her he didnt want her hugging her guy friends. Well, she was a "huggy" person and loved hugging people no matter their gender, age, color, etc etc but had agreed to only hug her close friend from church. And so she was no longer engaged. . . but she still wasn't free. . . she just thought she was. . .

 

More to come later. This is only the beginning of my story of the nightmare of my experience.

 

XOXOXO

Lavender