Domestic Violence and the Church part 2

In my last post I talked about the Church and the lack of help and resources offered. Ministers often will send a woman back to an abusive husband saying things like "submit more," "pray more," or "stop trying to spread rumors" and will even at times go to that woman's husband and talk to him, which, while meaning well, as one pastor at a nearby church did, can be dangerous for the woman. The pastor I am talking about refuses to step in this dark world now. Honestly, I don't think some pastors mean any harm, though I know some do considering even pastors can be abusive husbands. One might remember the case of the pastor's wife who shot and killed her abusive husband. Mary Winkler will and has testified to physical, emotional and sexual abuse she suffered at the hands of her husband, Matthew. So as much as some of us like to think pastors are immune to being abusive, they really aren't. Personally, I think Mary is very brave and an exceptional person for killing her husband, but then again I'm not God so God probably wasn't happy w/her but He couldn't have been happy with her husband either. She did the only thing she could think of to escape an abusive marriage with her 3 children and rather than condemning her I'd like to give her a huge hug and say "you did what you thought you had to and that is very brave." It's not like her church would've believed her. Hell, most of them, not all just most, still don't believe it. I'm more inclined to believe her than anything her husband would've said due to my experience with domestic violence. Abusers tend to be master manipulators and pathological liars. In fact, they would make amazing actors considering thats what they do their entire lives in the public sphere. Only in private do they ever put down their mask and reveal the true monster lying beneath. My dad was one of these men. I never once saw him hit my mother in public, but as soon as we got to the car, the beating started if she had done something wrong. There was one time he did beat one of my sisters while we were waiting for him at work, and some of his coworkers finally stepped up and said something. With as much experience as I've had with abusive men, I can honestly say even I can be fooled. A neighbor once told me about her husband's abuse and I was literally shocked b/c he has always seemed so nice. What I'm saying is we can all be fooled by them.

Bringing me to my next point, Pastors and church leaders, especially with their trusting and often loving natures, can very easily be fooled.I believe part of it is their own refusal to believe anything like domestic violence would happen in their church and the blindness that often times comes with that and with just the disbelief that domestic violence can actually exist and people can be so cruel. Pastors are only human, no matter what kind of pedestal we put them on (I'm so guilty of that), and like any human being with a heart and a conscience, doesn't want to believe things like abuse actually happen kinda like people don't want to believe in starving children or that pedophilia is as common as it actually is. We simply cannot wrap our minds around how someone could possibly be so evil. 

John Shore, http://www.crosswalk.com/blogs/john-shore/why-pastors-struggle-with-confronting-domestic-violence.html, explains in his article 6 reasons "Why pastors struggle with confronting domestic violence."

1. Domestic violence is fundamentally unbelievable. Like all true evil, domestic violence is basically incomprehensible. Most people find it simply inconceivable that any man would systematically victimize his own wife and children. The monstrousness of it renders it unimaginable.

2. Wife abusers are masterful manipulators. I've known guys whom I knew were beating their wives, and while I was talking with them I could not for the life of me see it in them. Guys who abuse their wives and children are typically the friendliest, most sincere, open, warm, kind, generous, good-natured people you'd ever want filling your hat with horse crap when you're not looking. Next to a wife abuser, the most successful car salesman in the world is a groveling blubberer in a confessional booth. Wife abusers are sociopaths.

3. Pastors think spousal abuse only happens in certain kinds of families. Most people still have the idea that spousal abuse only or primarily happens in certain types of families---in poor families, mainly: in the kinds of families whose members have no particular reason to care one way or another what anyone thinks of them. (He goes on to give an example of a successful lawyer he knew who abused his wife.)

4. Pastors haven't thought enough about the gray area between "submit" and abuse. A lot of pastors hold to the traditional Biblical definition of the proper relation between a husband and wife.. . . I think it's safe to say that pastors get that it's wrong for a husband to beat or otherwise abuse his wife and kids. But I also think that not enough pastors have spent the time their positions dictate they should thinking about the broad, fuzzy line between biblical submission and repugnant victimization. You start throwing around words like "authority" and "submission," and you've put yourself on one slippery slope straight toward one demoralizing place. Pastors need to face and acknowledge that.

5. Pastors believe what they preach. Pastors believe in the power of Christ to heal, to bring new life, to reclaim, to save, to resurrect. They believe in the power of the Holy Spirit to correct and ennoble. They believe in the efficacy of prayer. They believe that through the community of church God radically and permanently transforms people's lives. They believe in the enduring, righteous strength of marriage and family. A pastor faced with a woman saying she's being abused at home is about as inclined to advise that woman to leave her husband as a brain surgeon is to advise someone diagnosed with a brain tumor to seek out the healing powers of a shaman. Pastors don't advise divorce; they don't recommend the shattering of a family unit. They believe not in dissolution, but resolution. By virtue of their vocation, pastors believe that if a husband and wife will only remain in union, keep attending church, and continue to bring their strife to God, all will be well between them. A pastor advising an abused woman to just stick it out with her husband is actually being quite sweet. He's also being really stupid and harmful. But it's sweet, insofar as his advice reflects his love, hope, and belief in God.

6. Pastors simply aren't trained about domestic violence. A pastor faced with a domestic violence problem is like a football player faced with a curling stone: he kind of knows what to do with it, but not really. What do pastors know about domestic violence? They're not taught about it in seminary; the subject never comes up at their conferences, retreats, or seminars. Domestic violence is simply not a subject present on the big pastoral radar. So just as a football player told to do something with a curling stone might try to punt, hike, or ... well, pass the stone, so a clergyman faced with a domestic violence problem is likely to counsel patience, forbearance, and the discernment of the will of God. Each man is just doing what he knows. And in so doing each, of course, creates pain.

It's not enough for us to simply desire that our pastors do a better job of handling issues of domestic violence. We must also help them to obtain the training necessary for doing so.

So how can we fix this problem? By bringing awareness and talking it in church. My minister preached yesterday about how we, meaning the Church, preach a feel good Christianity. I'm not going to go into it b/c I simply can't explain it the way he did, but he did cover the fact that if sin makes us happy that is not the kind of happiness God wants in our lives. We are supposed to turn away from sin, and just b/c it makes us happy does not by any means makes it right. This is very true. My point is we don't preach or even talk about real issues or the fact that we should feel convicted when we're in the middle of a sinful lifestyle. The Bible says, and Jesus emphasized it as the 2nd greatest commandment, to Love Thy Neighbor. A neighbor is not just someone living next door or down the street. A neighbor means everyone including one's wife or husband and abuse is NOT LOVE. It is power and control. Real love is defined in 1 Cor 13:4-8

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophesies and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever.

An abuser who doesn't feel convicted will never change and as long as our churches preach the "feel good" topics and stay away from the ugly issues like abuse women will continue to be abused and the church will continue to ignore it. Church members, leaders and ministers all need awareness especially if they are to help abused women, children, and even men. Abuse does happen even in the church, and women, unfortunately, cannot turn to their ministers because even well meaning ministers don't have a clue when it comes to domestic violence unless they have experience and/or training in it. It's a very sad but true reality that needs to be changed and SOON. That's my thoughts on the subject. I will do a part 3 with examples of how to and how not to act as a church leader or minister when it comes to domestic violence as the United Methodist Church has got it right, in my opinion, and some churches, for example Saddleback and the famous Rick Warren, have it all wrong :(

XOXO,Lavender Skye