All this being said, there are those who believe differently than me as well as those who hold similar beliefs to mine. There are two huge churches at each end of the spectrum. Rick Warren and his beloved Saddleback Church is at the opposing end while the United Methodist Church as an organization is at my end. Following is a list of Do's and Don'ts and examples of each as portrayed and acted upon by these two churches.
DO:
Offer assistance to victims. UMC does this in several ways, including actually running at least one DV shelter - The Genesis Womens Shelter in Texas is connected directly to the Highland Park United Methodist Church http://www.hpumc.org/pages/09_Genesis_Womens_Shelter
Mission
To provide quality safety and shelter to battered women and their children through crisis intervention and short term crisis therapeutics and to reduce the occurrence of violence against women and children in the greater Dallas area. Genesis is also committed to raising the level of community awareness regarding the pervasiveness and effects of domestic violence
DONT
Ostracize, belittle, judge, or make the victim into an outsider by shunning them in church or accusing them of spreading rumors. Also, don't ignore accusations of domestic violence.
I was told to stop spreading rumors by a pastor at my church in high school when I went to him for help getting my sister away from her boyfriend at the time (who is now her husband and an abusive a**.
DO:
Support and encourage the victim. Reach out to her if you hear of abuse rather than saying she needs to come to you. (She won't)
The United Methodist Church does this through various programs. Also, one example of a church who did this is a former Saddleback member's husband's church.
Ironically, the family that stuck by her wasn’t Saddleback, but Bradley’s (her husband) Life Church, which responded swiftly to the abuse by pulling Bradley from leadership and later accompanying Ferber to court http://www.doublex.com/section/news-politics/does-rick-warren%E2%80%99s-church-condone-domestic-violence?page=0%2C3#.TyyonCKjiBI.blogger
DONT
Make the victim feel guilty by blaming her for not being submissive enough or telling her to stop spreading rumors or have more faith. The following excerpt sums this idea up nicely.
Quite often, if we as victims approach and confide in an elder, priest, or member of our Church, hoping for some support and encouragement, we can leave feeling even more guilty and trapped than we did formerly. We may be told that the abuse is due to our own lack of submissiveness, or our own sinfulness, that we would not suffer if our faith was greater, or that we will be rewarded in the next life for the suffering we experience in this one (!?!). I have heard of women who have been told earnestly by their vicar that it would be better for them to die at the hands of their abusive husband than to seek a separation and protection for their children! http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/bible_verses.html
That last sentence is just insane and shows a complete lack of empathy. You would have to be in denial (as some are unfortunately) that abuse happens in Christian homes. Well, it does. Abusers are masters at manipulation and pretending to be someone they're most certainly not. Just ask any abuse victim.
My own father was seen as a nice guy and during his 1st marriage was even a deacon in the church he and his wife went to. All the while, beating his first wife and even putting her in the hospital in ICU after she left him. The church is not immune to domestic violence. I sincerely wish it were but its not. Abusers are wolves in sheep's clothing and are very good at hiding. Look at Mary and Matthew Winkler. Some may remember her as the pastor's wife who murdered her pastor husband. She was physically and verbally abused by him and finally shot him. Some of her church believed her b/c signs of abuse were there but most chose to not believe her b/c he was their pastor and too good of a man. I will repeat: wolves in sheep's clothing. And where better to hide than Church? Its the perfect cover, especially when there are churches out there like Saddleback who refuse to help victims.
DO:
Help, support, and encourage the victim to seek safety and then a divorce. Abusers don't change. For change to occur, someone must be willing to admit they have a problem and take steps to resolve that problem. Abusers won't admit to their abuse or seek to change the way they interact with their victims. Part of it is their insistence on blaming their victims. My dad and others I've known have said things like "If she didn't make me so mad," "if she would just do as she's told I wouldn't have to treat her like that," and my personal favorite, "if you're gonna act like a child I'm gonna treat you like one." Really? I would dare to say the abuser is acting like the child by hurting the person he says he loves b/c he doesn't get his way. My point being abusers don't change b/c they either don't think there's anything wrong w/them, blame their actions on others, or just have no desire to do anything to change. You can see this from the high dropout rates of abusers from domestic violence treatment programs. Consider the following results of a study done by Bruce G. Taylor, Ph.D.; Christopher D. Maxwell,
Ph.D.
The effects of a short-term batterer treatment
program for detained arrestees: A randomized
experiment in the Sacramento County,
California Jail
In contrast to our finding suggesting the treatment program is reducing controlling
behavior, the treatment variable in the victim logistic, negative binomial and Cox regression
models were all non-significant. That is, there was no difference between the treatment and
control group in 6-month prevalence, frequency, and time-to-failure for victim reported acts of
controlling behavior by the perpetrator. Also, there was no difference between the treatment and
control group in 6-month prevalence, frequency, and time-to-failure of victim self-reported acts
of any DV. Finally, there was no difference between the treatment and control group in 6-month
prevalence, frequency, and time-to-failure for victim self-reported acts of physical abuse.
You can find the study at https://www.ncjrs.gov/pdffiles1/nij/grants/228275.pdf
A note: most studies including this one are based on offenders that have been arrested. Several studies also base their results off whether or not the offender gets arrested a 2nd time. There is a huge flaw in that type of study as victims suffer severely at the hands of their abusers once the abuser is out of prison. They're less likely to call the police again out of fear of what will happen if they do. Why else would a majority of victims try to withdraw charges against their abusers?
Follow Rick Warren's and Saddleback's counseling pastor Tom Holladay's example by telling the woman she and her husband need to temporarily separate and seek marriage counseling then get back together. And that marriage counseling will help them reconcile their differences. No, it doesn't. Once again, the abuser will play the part of the caring husband and is able to fool the counselor and/or pastor. Just b/c an abuser says he's changed doesn't mean he has. They are very skilled at lying. And unfortunately, pastors have a tendency to blame the wife for not submitting enough. One friend of mine went to a marriage counseling session with her husband and when she told her pastor how her husband was psychologically abusive and made her miserable, she was told it was her job to make her husband happy no matter how she felt and to submit more. Needless to say, she walked out. She also later finally divorced her husband and remarried an absolutely wonderful man who makes her happier than she's ever been. Then again going back to Tom Holladay's thoughts, abuse is as he sees it is only physical and the abuser has to have a habit of beating up the victim so psychological, sexual, and verbal abuse don't count. Neither, apparently, does hitting, pulling hair or the like as long as the victim isn't beaten up. Yeah, this guy really has a lot of research to do in this arena. Obviously. Below are some of his beliefs regarding abuse and divorce:
Definition of abuse and how its not a reason for divorce:
Physical abuse by one’s spouse is not a biblical reason for divorce, says a pastor at Saddleback Church in southern California.
Tom Holladay, teaching pastor at the megachurch founded by best-selling author Rick Warren, says the Bible only gives two cases where divorce is acceptable: abandonment and a physical affair.
“I wish there were a third in Scripture having been involved as a pastor with situations of abuse," Holladay said in an audio clip posted on Saddleback Church’s Web site. "There is something in me that wishes there were a Bible verse that says, 'If they abuse you in this-and-such kind of way, then you have a right to leave them.'"
Physical abuse, he defined, is someone “literally” beating another person up regularly.
"I don't mean they grab you once. I mean they've made a habit of beating you regularly,” he clarified.
His views on divorce and the "hurt" it causes:
It is logical to think that divorce will offer an escape from the pain, the pastor acknowledged, but in reality it doesn’t. The pain of a broken marriage continues for the rest of a person’s life.
After a divorce, there is an “immediate release” from pain and people can think that freedom and joy are coming back into their life. But in the long term, the pain recurs every time the two former spouses deal with the children or communicate. And even events in a new marriage can trigger painful memories.
Holladay recommends instead of the “short-term solution” of a divorce that will involve long-term pain, people should endure “short-term pain” and find “God’s solution” for “long-term gain.”
Read more at http://www.christianpost.com/news/saddleback-pastor-domestic-abuse-not-reason-for-divorce-36349/#GPJqOkPb8kQPg43F.99
I don't see how he can ignore the long-term pain, nightmares, and PTSD domestic violence victims suffer. Divorce, for many of them, offers freedom and a chance to breathe and not be scared all the time. I wish I could live in his own little world where everything is okay and abuse doesn't cause lasting psychological scars. I still have psychological scars from 25 yrs ago when my dad first physically attacked my mother. And scars from when he tried to strangle me when I was a teenager and scars from my ex-fiance who forced his fingers inside me and swerved in traffic b/c he was mad and stabbed one of his swords repeatedly into the bed I was lying on simply b/c I didn't want to do certain sexual acts with him. The time my brother in law bit me. From reading my twin sister's story about my brother in law forcing anal sex on her and pulling her by the hair down some stairs to put her head in the furnace til something stopped him, I can gather she has scars, too. And as a role model and friend (who also happens to be a minister's wife so not all Christians or even pastors are oblivious or in denial) told me, my sister needed to file for divorce before she ended up back together w/him and guess what? She didn't want to file, and she's back with him :(
The United Methodist Church stands with victims and promotes domestic violence awareness in the faith community. All you have to do is visit their website to see that they refuse to put up w/domestic violence and, while expressing that the abuser is in need of God, do not condone domestic violence. They also recognize the need for safety and that domestic violence is not only physical as one can read in an article by a UMC pastor at the following link http://www.kintera.org/site/apps/nlnet/content3.aspx?c=fsJNK0PKJrH&b=969371&ct=3847997¬oc=1
So who does the Church need to follow when it comes to looking for examples of the right way to handle domestic violence. I would say definitely follow the United Methodist Church's example and steer clear of Rick Warren and Saddleback.
XOXO,
Lavender
Important Side Note: You will not find as I haven't found anything where Rick Warren says Tom Holladay's statements are not true. Holladay continues to be the counseling pastor at Saddleback, which in my eyes, says all it needs to about Rick Warren's stance. Also, Rick Warren declined to comment back to a tweet I sent him and instead his assistant
Steve Komanapalli Pastor at Saddleback Church, Special Assistant to Rick Warren, (via twitter) started following me on twitter and asked what I needed. When I tweeted
Komanapalli stopped following me immediately and never answered my question after having asked directly what I needed! Therefore, I'm applying Tom Holladay's thoughts to the thoughts of Saddleback and Rick Warren.
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